


Take Me To Church | Chanlix

by summerlix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bottom Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, References to Depression, Religious Guilt, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Top Bang Chan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 28,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerlix/pseuds/summerlix
Summary: *not finished. slow updates*ill tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knifeis love powerful enough to overcome the guilt of sin?felix is a teenage boy who attends church every sunday with his parents, has never drunk, done drugs and said his prayers daily. realising he is gay, and falling for a boy was the last thing he wanted to do. he hated himself for it, but little did he know that this boy would change his life forever, and the negative emotions werent permanent*this book is also on wattpad and it will be updated at the same time! my username is the same as on here*
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 86
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

Felix sat at his school desk, his dim lamp lighting up his science revision book. He eyes were heavy, he could hardly focus. He rested his head on the desk, sighing. This wouldnt be the first time he was on the verge of tears over school work. it wasnt even that difficult, he was just tired. exausted even. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. There was a knock at his door. 'Felix dinner is ready' said his sister slowly opening the door. she looked in and saw him at his desk. 'you havent been crying again have you?' she asked concerned. 'n..no' he stuttered and his lip quivered. his sister came in and closed the door behind her. 'come here' she sat on her brothers bed and he got up and sat on her lap. she wrapped her arms around him and stroked his hair softly. felix couldnt help but cry. he didnt even know what he was feeling. 'its okay lixie, you can cry' she said softly. 'i cant let mum and dad see me like this' felixs voice was shaky. His parents werent as compassionate as they used to be. 

he used to be comfortable telling them when things were getting too much, but eventually his parents claimed they had enough of him 'wanting attention' and no longer believed that he was genuinely struggling, their words only hurt him more, so he kept it to himself . he was depressed. some days he would just lie in his bed, crying. he saw nothing in himself. one night, 10 months ago almost exactly, he felt like he coudlnt do it anymore. after his parents yelling at him over him failing a math test and telling him he is worthless, and that they couldnt believe their perfect son had ended up like this, he attempted to numb the pain of getting up everyday. it didnt work, and it was only when his sister, genevieve, had come into his room and found him. she took care of him for the rest of the night. felix had no words to thank her enough for what she had done, but sometimes he wished she hadnt. he promised her he would never do it again, which he had kept to that, as hard as it was. 

on paper, genevieve, or vivi, and felix were the perfect christian children. they had gone to church every sunday ever since they were children, they obeyed their parents and never disobayed god. or at least, thats what their parents believed.

'go run your face under cold water, and then we'll go down, okay?' we can speak after dinner if you want. felix got up and went to the bathroom. he looked himself in the mirror, something he avoided doing. he felt disgusting. his hair was messy, his face was tearstained all the negative thoughts came back. he quickly splashed his face with cold water and luckily it made his face go back to normal. his sister was waiting for him. when he came out she smiled at him warmly. something about her smile seemed to make everything okay. 

the 4 were sat down at the dinner table. felix picked up his fork before he felt a harsh slap on his wrist. "you disrespectful little bastard" his mother yelled. felix winced and his heart skipped a beat. "i'm sorry mum i completely forgot" felix realised what he had done. "you should apologise to god, not me. he is the one you are showing up" his mother then grabbed his hand and his sisters, who held onto his fathers and the 3 of them said   
"Bless this food and grant that all who eat it may be strong in body and grow in your love. Blessed are you, Lord our God, for ever and ever". felix had his eyes shut and was mouthing the words. when his mother let go of his hand she looked at him. "Felix i'm not being funny but i didn't hear a single thing come out of your mouth just then" his mother said sternly. "i did, i promise i did" felix said quickly. "he did father" his sister interrupted their dad before he could even say anything. his mother took a deep breath, and they all began eating. felix ate with little enthusiasm, as the conversations at the table were as boring as ever. his sister sat staring at her food as their dad rambled on about his day at work and how his boss was making him work extra shifts.

"So genavieve and felix, are you excited to start back at your new school?" their mother said after a moment of silence. "i cant say i'm excited, at least i know a couple of people going there though" said his sister said casually. she was in her last year of school, felix was 2 years below her, starting in year 11. "felix?" his mother prompted a response in a kind of tone where you can tell she isn't happy with you. "oh um, i guess so?" felix didn't want to say the truth. the truth being he was dreading it with every bone in his body. 

he hated making new friends, he hated the idea of having to be the new kid. he hated having to go to this new church. he hated that his parents had moved them away. they used to live in Melbourne, although things weren't much better at home felix had friends who he liked and he felt at happier there. sydney was a beautiful place, even he could admit that, but something still felt off. it was the beginning of september, and they had moved there in june, right at the end of school. having to say goodbye was the hardest thing for his, the last string of happiness he had was gone. 

"i'm sure you'll be fine" his mother said monotony. she clearly didn't care about his happiness, all she cared about was that they had more money now with his dads new job. for someone who claimed materialism brought no happiness, she had quite a love for the monetary value of things. 

Once they had finished dinner, felix got up and thanked his parents for the dinner, and proceeded to get ready to sleep. tomorrow was the first day of school, and to say he was NOT excited would be an understatement.


	2. 2

felixs alarm woke him up, much to his disapproval. he had somehow been able to sleep early that night, yet he was still tired. he was so nervous, he didn't even know why. "lix can i come in?" his sister was outside his room again, he let her in and she sat at the end of his bed. "do you want to walk into school with me? you seemed nervous last night when mum mentioned it" felix smiled at his sisters compassion. "yeah i'd like that, and yeah she seems to hate me even more everyday. i'd love to know what i'm doing wrong..." he sighed and hit his head into the pillow. "it's just mum...she's always been like this. don't take it too harshly, maybe we can go to the same uni and we can rent a flat. then we can finally be free and have control over our own life" she said the last part with an ounce of anger.

felix had never sat down with his sister and discussed their beliefs. of course they had both hinted at it, but felix had no idea what his sister thought of their extremely christian parents. it was only in the last couple of years that felix had thought about his own beliefs and began to question the morals and ideas that had been taught to him since the day he was born. since birth it had been instilled that church, god and obeying by jesus' words were the most important thing in life and felix just took it, and he believed it, for a long time. he didn't want to go to hell, especially after how it had been described to him.  
after awhile though, he met people. mostly through the internet, he found out that christianity is not as holy as it seems. he also learnt many things about himself as he grew up, most notably his darkest secret and the thing that stabbed him more and more everyday. the thing he tried to repent for so long. he didn't want to go to hell...but he couldn't help it. it was part of him. his sister on the other hand seemed more engaged with being religious, but had no issues with lying to their parents about going out and partying with friends. but weirdly enough, their parents were never suspicious of her, only when he went would ask to go to a friends house would they insist on knowing who exactly would be there and who the parents are. 

"i think that would be nice" felix laughed. "i need to get ready now so can you get out of my room? we are literally going to be late" he laughed and got out of bed. he put on a white hoodie, black pants, and nike airforces. he then went into Vivis room and put on some concealer and a very subtle eyeliner. he kept his own makeup in her room so his parents wouldn't see, and luckily she had no issue with this either and told him that makeup doesn't have a gender, and even would sometimes ask to do his makeup like she saw the beauty gurus do on youtube. he wasn't going to take any risks though, his parents would probably call him all the slurs in the book if they saw him. 

once he was ready for school, vivi drove them both. She played the song viva la vida by coldplay on the way there, it was one of felixs favourite songs. they both sung as loudly as possible, and felix forgot about all his worries for a moment. once they got to school, they walked in together. immediately some people were looking at them. he couldn't tell who they were looking at, but it was most likely vivi. vivi was very pretty, she had slightly wavy light brown hair, a soft face with a small nose and plump pink lips. her and felix were the same height, exactly 5'7. they walked through the hallway with vivi somehow knowing where she was going. "where are you going?" felix asked. "my friends are in the canteen, just follow me" she said, and so felix did. they eventually got there, and they walked up to a group of girls and a couple of boys. 

"oh my gosh hi vivi!" said one of them. she had blonde hair with rainbow streaks, a pastel color-block cardigan and a fluffy beret. vivi and the girl greeted eachother and hugged. felix stood there slightly awkwardly. "oh and is this your brother?" smiled the taller girl. "yes, this is felix!" said vivi. "oh my gosh you're so precious" she smiled at him. felix couldn't help but smile back at this genuine compliment, this girl seemed so nice. "oh and i don't think i've introduced you to lia yet!" said the girl to vivi. "this is my girlfriend, lia" stood next to her was a slightly shorter but very pretty girl with shoulder length brown hair. she smiled at both felix and vivi. "wow, there are already gay people at this school? and they're so open about it?..." felix thought to himself. "felix doesn't know anyone at the moment so i've said he can stay with us" vivi held felixs hand. "he can definitely stay, you both have the same energy. by the way, i'm yeji!" said the blonde girl and she smiled again at felix. "let me know if you need any-" before she could finish her sentence a boy came running up to her, almost falling over. she turned around and her grin turned into a scowl. without saying a word she went into her school bag and pulled out a pink and blue binder. "oh my gosh thank you so much" the boy took it from her hands and thanked her profusely. felix looked at the boy and his heart almost skipped a beat. he was so handsome. 

he had chestnut dark hair, cut slightly shorter at the sides, and a perfect face. felix was in awe of this boy already. "seriously hyunjin you're going to forget to bring your work one day and if you end up in a detention i am not picking you up you little shit" yeji said spitefully but jokingly. hyunjin looked slightly embarrassed as yeji, lia and vivi were all laughing at him. he looked at those 3, then to felix. who he smiled at. felix smiled back. "you should be friends with felix, he just joined the school" said yeji. "sure!" said hyunjin, he came closer to felix. "what's your first lesson?" he asked. "science i think" said felix. "same! it looks like we're in the same lesson. did you do the summer work?" he asked, him and felix then began to walk off. "yeah most of it, i finished part 3 last night" felix remembered dying at his desk the night before finishing it. "yeah same, i'm not that good at science though so...." hyunjin laughed. felix laughed too. he honestly couldn't believe he'd made a friend so quickly. maybe things wouldn't be as bad as he thought


	3. 3

hyunjin lead felix up to the science corridor and they went in. "oh my goddd hyunjin! where were you?" a boy with bright blue hair immediately approached them. "i was getting my work binder from yeji. i forgot it but she must of seen so she brought it for me" said hyunjin. "oh cool! and whos....this?" said the boy looking confused. he was looking at felix. "this is felix, he's my sisters friends brother. he's in the class so i just showed him where we are" hyunjin smiled at felix. the blue haired boy then smiled too, "oh cool! a new member of our gang! i'm jisung, or han, or j.one as you might know me as on soundcloud" "be quiet you literally have 5 listeners and that's me, hyunjin, changbin, seungmin and your mom" said another boy sarcastically. jisung turned around. "wow minho real mature of you there" said jisung, and minho just laughed. the teacher then called for everyone to sit down, which they did. felix sat at the back with the 3 other boys he'd just met. he didn't talk much, he felt very awkward. these other boys were so much cooler than him. "hey felix are you okay?" said hyunjin about halfway through the lesson. "yeah i'm fine" felix said. "okay well you can join in our conversation anytime, you're really welcome here!" hyunjin said warmly to felix. he appreciated this, but he still felt out of place. 

about 30 minutes into the lesson, another boy came over. "hey sung, you coming to the tryouts this week?" he said. he was very tall, had a deeper husky voice. "yeah probably, hyunjin said he might come too" said jisung said. "not the little gay boy" the tall boy snarked rudely "you couldn't convince me that stick thin kid could even play if he tried" lucas was laughing in a half jokey way, but half spiteful way. felix already hated him. "cut it out lucas" jisung said sternly. lucas seemed to ignore this. "who's this?" he pointed to felix, and felixs heart dropped. "new kid, his names felix" said jisung calmly. lucas looked at him for a minute and then walked alway when he was called on by a girl at the table next to them.

jisung and minho seemed to be discussing between themselves quietly about their disgust towards lucas. hyunjin then turned to felix. "i'm so sorry about him...he's bothered me ever since last year" hyunjin seemed almost apologetic that felix had met lucas. "he shouldn't say those kinds of things to you...he doesn't seem like a nice person" felix signed. he knew all too well what homophobia felt like, but he would much rather have lucas call him gay than have to endure the words spoken at church. hyunjin, changbin and felix were relatively quiet for the rest of the lesson after that encounter, minho and jisung however continued to joke around with eachother. 

in the end of the lesson, he got hyunjins phone number. the day went by as usual. he sat with hyunjin and his friends at lunch, and especially got to know one of their friends who is a year older, changbin. he was very kind to felix and asked him tons of questions. last period ended, and felix met up with vivi again and they went on their way home. "was school okay for you?" asked vivi on the way home. "yeah i guess so" felix replied. in all honesty, it could of been much worse. he made friends...people actually liked him. he still felt very empty though, feeling like nothing had changed from school before except he didn't have his closest friends with him. he wished he felt the same happiness everyone else felt around friends, or doing an activity they liked, but he just couldn't.


	4. 4

it was now friday, and felix was on his way home from school again. the week had been very tiring for him. he hung out with hyunjin, jisung and minho for that week and he started to get pretty close with them, mainly hyunjin. hyunjin was incredibly sweet, but one conversation that they had that day in particular made him feel extra close to him.

"tell me more about your life old school felix, i'm interested" him and hyunjin were sitting on a bench outside during a free period. "well...it was a super religious school and if i'm quite honest most of the people there were flat out insane...but i did have a couple of friends, my best friend was kevin though. he was really cool" felix started remembering kevin, his old best friend. they hadn't talked much over the summer as kevin was in canada seeing family but this made him miss him just a bit. "all the kevins i've met are cool, debatable if it's a kevin nguyen but still, really cool people. pretty gay but cool. i swear i used to have a crush on a kevin..." hyunjin laughed.

"me and kevin never even talked about that sort of stuff" felix laughed too"wait so you're-" "bi" hyunjin finished his sentence for him . "wait but you NEVER talked about crushes or sexuality?!" hyunjin seemed shocked. "no...i guess it never came up" felix starting to get nervous that he would have to mention his own sexuality.

"i mean...most of my friends know i'm bi. one way or another....there's really not much hiding these kinds of things these days. my sisters pretty chill about having a girlfriend, and our parents have always said they don't care who we end up with so i guess it's never been a big thing for me" hyunjin said casually. "i wish i could say the same" felix said. 

the tone of the conversation switched very quickly. hyunjin looked at felix. they made eye contact and hyunjin seemed to get the hint. felix realised what he'd said and his heart dropped "please don't tell anyone hyunjin...i literally beg you don't. my parents are heavily religious and will quite literally kill me if they found out" he was incredibly anxious now. "hey hey calm down, i promise i won't mention it to anyone. i'll make sure you're safe okay? and if your parents ever DO find out and you need somewhere to go then i'm here okay?" hyunjin said comfortingly. he then hugged felix and they started talking again about how different melbourne is to sydney.  
—  
felix was thinking about this interaction on the way home. in fact he'd been thinking about it ever since it happened. he was gay. and now someone knew about it. even if it was just one person...it seemed to weird to him. he was still in shock, because he still didn't quite believe it himself. he didn't intend on coming out, instead it happened without him even realising. the fear of his parents finding out grew, but he trusted hyunjin. he trusted his words and felt oddly relieved.

felix had never even considered the idea of homosexuality. it just wasn't a topic in their house. it was when he was 9, he asked his parents why there were 2 girls kissing on a tv show. his parents immediately turned off the tv, and told him he shouldn't be watching that sort of stuff. they then explained to him that you call two men, or two women being together, "gay" and that it was a very bad thing to and would send you to hell. felix didn't think about it again for a couple of years. it was foreign to him, he just took his parents words as the truth until he was 12, and one of his favourite youtubers came out as gay. he remembered what his parents told him, and then thought about the youtuber. he had spoken to felix before, and said really kind things. he was a nice person, what difference did it make that he was gay? felix began to question his parents views. after this, felix began to think about his own sexuality. had he ever truly had a crush on a girl? it didn't feel like it. whenever someone would ask him who his crush was he would just think of the prettiest girl in the class and say her. he never gave it much thought before, but now he was starting to think. no...it cant be true. 

it was the part of him that he saw as the most vile. he would never be homophobic to anyone else, he knew it was wrong but something in him still hated his entire being for it. he wondered why god would do that him. he would pray every night that he would fall in love with a girl. he prayed hard and did everything in his power to get rid of the attraction he had. he never told anyone though, he wanted so badly to be straight but the idea of conversion therapy terrified him beyond explanation. his parents words were enough. when he was younger they explained to him that liking people of the same gender was a sin, but he shouldn't worry about it because he was a good child of god. however whenever the subject was brought up these days, they would go out of there way to scare felix, almost like they were already suspicious. 

they would say things like, if you ever acted upon liking the same gender then god would curse you for the rest of your life, and that it's a sign satan is taking over you or someone like that. they said that if felix or genevieve were to ever be gay or support it then they wouldn't let back into the house ever again. those words were the ones that stuck with him the most. he was almost sure they had suspicions, possibly from the clothes he wore or his mannerisms, but he also knew that his parents would never want to confront it unless they absolutely had to. there was no way their perfect son could possibly be gay, or so they told themselves. felix wanted nothing more than to just be happy, and not be reminded everyday by the people who were meant to love him the most that he was an evil sinner who was going to hell for eternity. it hurt him, it was slowly consuming his emotions.


	5. 5

the more felix thought about this in the car, the more terrified he was. if his parents ever found out he was friends with hyunjin, he didn't want to imagine what they would do. he sat looking out the window, as vivi drove along the streets. admittedly, the neighbourhood was quite pretty. palm trees and neat little houses with pretty greenery around them were relaxing to look at. 

"felix are you okay? you haven't spoken to me at all today, and you've hardly spoken to me in general this week" vivi sounded concerned for her brother. "yeah i'm okay...just a bit sad" said felix. vivi signed. felix could tell it was out of sympathy, but he could also tell she seemed to want to say something more. she hesitated but in the end she stayed quiet.

"i'm sorry you're having a hard time...i really am. i wish i could help you, i wish i could take you to therapy but you know mum and dad would never allow that. i love you so much felix...you don't even know. it breaks my heart to see you like this" vivis voice went shaky at the end. felix looked up, and she was clearly trying not to cry. "why are you crying viv...?" felix felt bad for making his sister feel like this. they were just pulling into their driveway, where vivi parked and turned towards him. "it's...i know how much you're hurting. i've been through it...and i know how it feels to have to be silent about it. but you are an angel....a real one. i just want to see you happy again. i miss my sunshine..." she was on the verge of tears now and so was felix. "i'm sorry...i'll do my best-" "no...no you are doing your best. i know you are" she reached over and hugged felix. he had never seen her like this before, he always saw her as strong. it broke his heart to see her break down like this. without even realising he was starting to cry too. the two just sat there, with eachother. feeling the most bittersweet love he'd ever felt.

when they got inside, felix went straight to his room. he sat down and began to think about the hyunjin situation again. why had he let that one moment of light heartedness get the better of him...why did he tell someone. he had told himself for years that he would never ever tell a soul that he was gay, because he still didn't want to believe it was true and still believed if he pretended he wasn't for long enough it would go away. vivi probably wouldn't judge him either...but there were too many people who would. he tried to not think about it, instead deciding to do some drawing, a hobby he recently began after his art teacher recommended he do it in his free time. 

it was dinner again, and for the 5th time that week the family were sitting around the table, the same atmosphere as always. his mum had a very blank expression most of the time, she rarely smiled. after they had all said their prayer they began to eat. "wow felix you actually said the prayer this time" his dad said half jokingly. "yeah of course i did, why wouldn't i" felix said casually with a slight smile. his dad didn't seem to approve of this. "Fel-" he was quickly interrupted. "mum did you speak to aunt stacy today? you did say you were" said vivi clearly interrupting on purpose. "strange you ask that...but yes we had a brief conversation". felixs aunt was the total opposite of his mum. she lived in london and was a single mum with 3 kids.

felix never really spoke to his cousins, he had no reason to. however he heard his mum ranting about her sister often, mainly because she had divorced her husband, was no longer religious and apparently practised witchcraft and astrology. "that women needs to be locked up in a psychiatric hospital im telling you" felix could already tell his mum was going off on a tangent. "not only does she now claim she's 'agnostic' whatever atheist bullshit that is, her daughter who i am disgusted to call my niece, is getting married. to HER. GIRLFRIEND" his mum was yelling at this point. felix feared the conversation would lead onto this. "do you see the issue with that sentence? HERS don't have GIRLfriends, and HES don't have BOYfriends. let alone MARRIAGE??" she stabbed her fork into her food. "it's hard to believe you two were raised by the same person, you have to be out of your mind to approve of your child to do that" his dad added in. "there are so many other options, i've tried explaining to her. i've tried telling her that her daughter is going against the bibles words, i even know someone here who does therapy for 'gay' children yet she still doesn't listen" his mum finished. his dad and mum continued to talk about this, felix and vivi stayed silent. 

"well mum i don't know if it's a choice for someone to like...get crushes on people that are the same gender" vivi eventually said. felix was shocked. he couldn't believe his sister would have the courage to say that. he was terrified for her and for him. both parents stared at her like she had just sworn some terrible word. "Genevieve you cannot be listening to what you hear online. you can't be listening to the influences of irresponsible teenagers. there is one rule book and one person you should listen to. that's the bible and god. dont act silly girl and pretend you don't know these things. maybe you should have a talk with a conversion therapist" their mother was speaking quieter but her tone was increasingly more angry. "okay fair enough, and i have spoken to kids who have been to conversion therapy and it seems like a terrible institution that drives children to suicide" vivi finished her meal and looked at both her mum and dad in the eyes. the silence was deadly. 

felix could feel his whole body shaking with fear. even vivis confident expression turned slightly nervous. "I don't know who's making you think these things, but on sunday we are going to a new church. i have friends there, and me, you, and your father can all have a talk with the priest about the words that have just come out of your mouth. this is-" "mum i literally have a boyfriend, i will listen to all the rules in the bible. i just think it's out of hand that-" "UPSTAIRS NOW" their dad yelled louder than they had ever heard before. vivi dropped her utensils and ran upstairs. "good, it was what had to be done." said his mother to his father. "felix i think me and your mother need to have conversation. please excuse yourself" his dad said sternly. felix nodded and left immediately, and ran to his bedroom as well. 

locking the door, and bursting into tears, curled up on his bed. at least today was over now, he would speak to vivi tomorrow. for now, continued to cry and scream into his pillow.

why was i born like this  
i can't do this anymore. god hates me  
why was i created like this...why can't my parents accept me.  
why me.


	6. 6

saturday was uneventful. vivi hadn't left her room all day. he knew his dad went and spoke to her in the morning, but it couldn't of been that good because she still stayed there. he went down to get a snack in the afternoon, he hadn't eaten all day. his parents glared at him, he avoided anything further and ran back upstairs. 

he knocked on vivis door. "vivs? are you there?" he said softly. she didn't respond. "okay sorry...i love you though" he said quietly. "i love you too" she replied through the door. he then went back to his room where he stayed for the rest of the day. the house was never that loud, but the silence today was much different. you could sense the tension in the air, it was painful. at the end of the day, felix got in the shower and looked at his arm. he had scratches all down it. he wasn't surprised, but they were quite deep. he had a habit of scratching his arms when he was angry or upset. it helped him let out anger, but he couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt when he saw them. another day of feeling like shit had gone by, he didn't even have energy to text his friends. or even reply to kevin who messaged him 2 days ago checking in on how he was doing. he just went to sleep, forgetting it was sunday the next day. 

he woke up to a sound at his door, of the lock being picked. the door flung open and his dad walked in, holding a shirt, tie, pants and blazer. "i'm not having any of this today, get your ass out of bed and put this on and i want you looking sharp. we are leaving at 9" his dad dropped the clothes and left. the then checked the clock, 8:45. wow he really did have to rush. as he was putting on the shirt and tie be remembered that they'd be going to a new church. not that it mattered, what fun was there to be had at church anyway. he then went to the bathroom and combed his hair, ran downstairs and walked into the living room. his parents were there too. his dad in an almost identical suit, and his mother in a blue dress and a very over the top old fashioned hat. he then heard vivi coming down. she was wearing a purple summery dress, had her makeup done up and her hair curled perfectly. she looked so pretty. her parents didn't say a word to her, they just opened the door and they all got into the car. as per usual, his mum played her favourite "christian rock and roll" album which consisted of many of the traditional church songs, rewritten as (rather terrible) rock and roll tracks. it was painful to listen to but no one said a word, not even his dad who clearly seemed to not like it.

eventually they arrived at the church. felix and vivi exchanged a glance and then got out of the car. service hadnt started yet, and there were some families waiting outside. felix had learnt to not talk to the kids at church, they were all just as insane as their parents. he looked around, as expected mostly white families with 2 kids, or old people who were most likely going because they were gonna die soon and didn't want to go to hell, or at least that's what kevin used to say which made felix laugh. felixs mum seemed to be looking around, then out of no where a family approached them. they had 2 sons and daughter. "ah miss lee! i was told youd be coming today" smiled the mother of the family. "yes yes! we wouldn't miss a day as you know" his mum laughed. had they arrived that early that they couldn't even get in?. he rummaged in his pocket for his watch, as his dad and the other dad began talking. after looking in his pocket, he checked the other one, but it fell out of his hand just as he got it. he went to pick it up but instead the older boy from the other family bent down and picked it up.


	7. 7

felix was shocked. "oh my god-gosh thank you"felix was confused as to why this boy did this. when he stood up, he noticed he was slightly taller than felix, had blonde hair and was deathly handsome. he smiled at felix and went to hand it to him, "no problem-oh shit, it's hella broken" felix was firstly shocked by the language this boy was using, not that he didn't use it himself but his parents must really like him to not even say a word about it. the other boy looked at it closer and looked panicked. "i'm really sorry about that" the blonde boy said. he handed it to felix, the face of the watch was smashed. felix wouldn't of usually cared but this watch was a gift from his grandparents, and according to his dad was very expensive. 

"i guess i'll have to try and fix that...if it's even possible" felix muttered. he didn't want his parents seeing. "that really sucks...by the way-" the boy was interrupted by his sister pulling at him. "chan we have to go now, stop talking to random people" and she pulled him away. he looked back and smiled at felix once, something about this boys smile was different to others. it was so warm and genuine...it's not everyday you meet people, especially teenage boys, like that. "get it together felix...he'd probably hate crime you if he knew you were gay" felix told himself and followed into the church with his parents. part of him hoped he would speak to this chan again. 

they all queued into the isles, felixs family happening to be right next to the other family they had just met.felix made sure to go in first, as chan was standing at the end. he walked in in-front of his dad, which his dad pulled a not so approving face at, and almost by chance he was stood next to chan. the hall was silent, as expected. he looked to his side and chan was standing with his arms crossed. felix couldn't help but feel his heart flutter slightly. chan moved his arm and felix immediately looked away, not wanting to be caught. the service began, and they went through the usual practises of a sunday church service. during the hymns, felix couldn't help but notice chans voice. it was so soft and he was clearly a somewhat experienced singer, just from his appearance he seemed like someone who was good at everything. 

over an hour had gone by and felix was bored out of his mind as usual. when it ended, his parents donated to the church fund as usual (yet they refused to buy him a new laptop even though his old one can't even load microsoft word) and him, vivi and his dad all got in the car. his mum stayed back, and was talking again with chans mum. chan was busy talking with his siblings. chans dad honked the horn, and his mum came to the car. "look long enough" his dad rolled his eyes. "don't get that attitude with me" she said sternly. if she couldn't do one thing it was take a joke. "Kristen just invited us to her house next friday for dinner" she said as she got in the car. "who's kristin again?" his dad asked. "god david you really do have the brain of a mouse. i met at her through work years ago, when she lived in melbourne still, she moved to sydney just before she had her first son, crazy how time flies. wouldn't it be lovely for you both to make some local friends?" his mum turned to him and vivi. "i mean i already have friends here and you don't exactly know them" vivi contradicted. "17 years isn't that long ago in the grand scheme of things...they go to church so i'm sure they're a lovely family. you should get to know the oldest, he seems like a gentleman. a lovely boyfriend for my lovely daughter" his mum seemed slightly sarcastic in the last part but still smiling. vivi however was pulling a face, felix then realised that she was most likely referring to chan, considering the other boy was around 14. imagine seeing your sister date your crush...that would be a hard pill to swallow. god felix you're such a saddo, you've said about 3 words to this boy. he probably won't even remember you in a day.

when felix got home he couldn't help but think about the boy he had met at church. mostly his smile, and the small action of picking up his watch. he held the watch in his hand, he didn't want to be cheesy but something in him made him not want to get rid of it or try and fix it. church was a dim place, so much hatred and fear for a place meant to be for peace and happiness. during prayers, sometimes his prayer was that god would let him be normal and take the gay out of him. he wanted to at find a women attractive, marry her and have a family like his parents would wish he did. today he also prayed this, what else was there to pray for? he was stuck in a room full of people who would want to burn him at the stake if they could. nothing seemed to be worse. at least he might be going to chans house again on friday...that can't be that bad could it?


	8. 8

the next 5 days were as boring as ever. felix was getting a hang of life at the new school, and despite the lack of motivation to get up in the morning, hyunjin would message him and check he's okay. felix appreciated this, and apologised profusely that he wasn't able to show it properly, and promised to get better soon. but the truth was that he didn't know how soon, soon would be. it felt like never. school was fine, he was with people that he liked and despite the occasional snarky comment from lucas, it was pretty okay.

it was friday, and they were in history about to be dismissed for lunch. felix sat next to a girl named yuna, and a boy named seungmin. seungmin helped him with his work a lot and even occasionally gave him the answers to the test. he was very nice. the bell rung, and felix immediately got up. and ran to the door. hyunjin, minho, jisung and changbin usually sat outside at lunch, so naturally that's where he sat too. when he got to the door however, it was raining. like really hard. felix didn't even have a coat. he looked around and saw changbin who came towards him "we are sitting in the canteen today, as per minhos request" felix started following changbin, "but don't the year 12s sit in there?" felix asked, remembering vivi had mentioned her year, the year 13s, rarely went into the canteen because of this. "yeah they do, it'll be fine though, no ones that mean" he said. they got into the canteen and they sat down at a table.

"this girl seriously won't leave me alone, she messaged me 30 times yesterday" hyunjin was ranting about one of his exes. hi felix was zoned out, tired as he had made the smart decision to stay up playing fifa 2018 until 2am with a random american guy he met on the server. he looked around, everyone at this school looked so different to his last. most likely because his last school was roman catholic, and this one was just a regular old high school. his parents had tried to get him into the local catholic one, but you had to have lived in the area for 2+ years to be accepted, which made no sense but he had no issues with at least being able to escape hearing the words "god" and "prayer" 1,000,000 times a day. the kids here dressed really cool, everyone seemed to have their own style. there was one empty table however, which was weird considering usually every table would be full on a day like this. after 5 minutes however, a group of friends came in through the doors. 4 girls came through, laughing with eachother, then came a 2 boys, but one of them looked back, like they were waiting for someone, after a second or so a boy came through. that boy being non other than the blonde boy he had met at church. 

felixs stomach seemed to explode for no reason, he went to my school? felix yelled to himself in his mind. "why did you turn around so suddenly? see someone you know?" jisung asked. "uhm, no, just heard something in this direction" felix said quickly. "probably just jisung being a dumbass as usual" minho seemed to like teasing jisung. never spitefully though, if anything it was quite cute. felix side eyed the table chan was sat down at, he saw him laughing and smiling with his friends. gosh he was even more handsome. did he have...eyeliner on? it sure looked like it. he had a faux leather jacket on and jeans, god he was hot. his friends were all quite attractive, but he stood out the most. 

at the end of lunch, felix and his friends got up. felix watched chan from the side. "shit felix we've got PE next, we're already a couple of minutes late" said jisung, and they both made their way to the door. chan and his friend group were standing right there. felix looked at chan and chan looked at him too, felix heart stopped. chan smiled at him, and felix smiled back. did he remember him? or did he do that to everyone he saw. either way, something about an encounter as small as that made him incredibly happy. him and jisung then made their way to PE, where felix won the 500 meter race. he was feeling quite happy for once, surprisingly


	9. 9

felix had decided to walk home that day, and listen to some music. it was pretty relaxing, when he got home, he looked in the kitchen. "mum why aren't you cooking dinner?" he asked. she was usually already preparing dinner by this time. "no? we aren't having dinner here remember" she said, not even looking up at him from reading her book. "oh, we are going to that family from churches house right?" felix smiled. "yes? why are you so happy? do you know them or something?" she looked up at him. "oh no, just remembered a joke. thanks mum!" he ran upstairs. he was nervous to go to their house...oh god why was he feeling like this. he hardly even knew this boy, just knew that he was attractive as hell. stop crushing on straight homophobic boys felix...you're such a loser, he told himself.

about an hour later his mum knocked on his door. "felix it's 5pm we need to get leave now so get up. he looked at himself in the mirror, he changed his top to his most expensive hoodie, paired with denim jeans, nike airforces, and one of his favourite dreamcatcher earrings. he felt like he didn't look that bad for once, so he went downstairs and got in the car. it took about 15 minutes to get to the house, felix was almost falling asleep in the car listening to music, until the car stopped. he looked outside, the street they were in was one of the nicest he'd seen to far. every house seemed to have their own unique character, felix was almost in awe. the house they had pulled up in front of was no different. it was very modern. 

they all got out of the car, felix at the back as he hated being the first one to walk in. his mum knocked on the door, then a tall women with a much warmer expression opened. they greeted eachother, his own mothers attitude changing very quickly to almost mirror the other womans. "come in come in! it feels like its been so long since we've spoken properly" said the other woman. "it really does, you have 3 children now don't you?" felixs mum asked as the 4 of them came in and took off their shoes. "yes! and you have 2 now. i remember seeing genevieve when she was only small. and who's the other one?"she looked at felix. "ah, this is felix" said his mum smiling and putting her arm around his shoulder. this took felix by surprise but he smiled to be polite. "dinner is being cooked, so would you like to have a seat in the living room?" she asked, and she lead the 4 of them into it. their house was very well furnished, and very modern too. 

felix sat down, not sure what to do as he didn't want to be rude and just sit on his phone, so he sat down and just looked around. the parents began talking, but after about 5 minutes felix heard someone come down the stairs. he looked and saw non other than chan walk into the living room with a headset. he pressed a button on the side and seemed shocked to see 4 random people sitting on his couch. "what are you doing chan?" his mum asked. "i just came downstairs to get some more doritos" he replied awkwardly. "hey felix, do you like gaming?" chans mum asked him. "uhhh, yeah i do" replied felix. "how about you let felix play some games with you, so he doesn't have to sit down here" said his mum kindly. "uhm sure, chan looked over at felix, they made eye contact and felixs heart was racing again. he had a "no fake friends" hoodie on and comfy pants. he looked very cute still. chan gave him and a smile and felix got up to follow him to wherever he was. 

"uhm hi, so i usually game in my room because i have my ps4 there but if you want to play an x-box i have it in the spare room" said chan. he seemed slightly awkward himself but seemed like the kind of person who knew how to keep a conversation going which was good because felix was usually the much shyer one. chan led him into his room, it was pretty spacious with 2 bean bag chairs in the corner facing a large tv screen that was currently projecting fifa 18. felix recognised this because it was one of his own favourite games to play. felix then heard someone speaking through chans headphones, "sorry mate i'm gonna have to leave the call, i have a mate over right now", "okay alright, see ya later!" he said and he was ended the call. "sorry about that" he laughed. "no worries" felix smiled and looked around his room.

"you have a cool room" he said, "thanks! i haven't done much too it but it's pretty chill" chan replied. felix already felt comfortable around this boy. "wait did i see you today at lunch, leaving the cafeteria with changbin and his friends?" chan turned to him and asked this. "yeah i think so, it was raining so we decided to stay inside today" felix replied. chan then sat down in one of the bean bags. "oh cool, i was gonna say because i'm pretty close with changbin. we make music together. oh and you can take a seat if you want!" the way chan spoke was very chill, felix felt like he already knew him. he sat down on one of the bean bags, it was surprisingly comfortable. "wow that's so cool that you make music, i play the piano occasionally but i can't sing for shit, i'm tone deaf" felix laughed. "nahhh i doubt you are. you probably just haven't practised enough. if you wanna hear our music we are called 3racha on soundcloud, don't set your expectations too high though, we self produce so it's not like we have tons of equipment but i think we are slowly getting better" chan spoke about music so passionately. 3racha on soundcloud...note that down, felix told himself. "i definitely will, i do love listening to music" felix replied. chan smiled, although internally chan was ecstatic that someone was even mildly interested in his music. 

"oh and what game do you wanna play? i have fifa, GTA, league of legends, final fantasy 5, black ops 4..." he went through all the disks on the floor. "fifa is cool with me, i play it a lot at home" felix was so excited that him and chan already had things in common. "that's fine with me! i already have it loaded up so you can help pick the team and stuff yeah?" he handed felix the controller. felix started picking his team, and the two began discussing what tactics to use.


	10. Chapter 10

they began playing the match, and talking casually. felix felt so happy, something about hanging out with chan was so fun. it felt like they had been best friends for years, from the atmosphere that they were both feeling. they were talking casually about the game, but eventually about life in general. felix had to remind himself to not overshare and to be rational, he didn't know chan and he most definitely didn't care about felixs extreme trauma. chan however did begin to open up slightly about his own life, and how he feels. "honestly, from the outside my life probably looks really good. and i mean yeah it is, i'm really privileged, but my parents expectations are insane. they want me to be a lawyer, or study medicine or something like that, what they would call 'academic' but like...music is my passion" chans usual happy tone sunk slightly when he said that. 

"music is so great...don't let your parents dismay you from doing it. if you keep practising and producing you never know where it might take you. and i mean same, i don't think my parents even care what i do anymore as long as i go to church. i don't know what i like though...i'm probably going to end up working in 7-11 or something" felix laughed and chan did too. "listen bro, everyone's good at something yeah? i promise you, you'll find something you like" he said. this made felix smile and even felt his cheeks blush slightly, chan was focused on the game though so he most likely didn't notice. "and yeah i agree though, music is my way of expressing myself and my emotions, i don't have high hopes though. all my friends joke about it too, kinda stings" chan seemed a bit upset when he said this. 

"well then fuck your friends, they should be happy that your wanting to pursue your dreams, not making you feel bad for not wanting to something super mainstream like a lawyer" felix was laying on his side on the beanbag, watching chan. his side profile was so attractive too, everything about him was attractive. even the fact he produced music. "thanks a lot felix, that really means a lot. i guess my friends don't like having deep conversations either; which is annoying when you're someone who thinks a lot and worries a lot" chan said. felix felt butterflies just by hearing chan say his name. he remembered his name too...he was so sweet. "i'm the exact same, i'm always thinking and honestly i don't have that many friends anyway, i mean i do but i wouldn't wanna annoy them by dumping all my emotions on them because they most likely don't care anyway and yeah" felix was watching chan play the game, trying not to think too much. "well you know, i guess we're friends now so we can talk to eachother!" chan said in a comfortingly positive way.

felix smiled at this. it had been about 45 minutes by now, and there was a knock at the door. "lucy?" chan paused the game and looked at the door. the door opened and a young girl, chans sister, was there. "dinners ready, mum said to call you both down" she then ran back down the stairs giggling to herself. felix and chan both got up and went downstairs. the table was already set; and the sides were laid out perfectly across the table. "you two boys can sit there, lucy and max you two sit there, and us adults will sit here" his mum smiled at felix and chan. felix and chan sat down next to eachother and began to eat. the adults talked about very boring things as expected, chans younger siblings laughed together about silly things that proceeded to get them told off by their dad for being 'rude' at the table. felix just found this quite sweet while chan and felix just sat there. they occasionally exchanged glances. felix wanted to talk but there wasn't really much to talk about, especially with 4 adults right beside them.

once felix had finished, he put his utensils together and sat up. "wow felix is so polite, chan you could learn a thing or two" his mum laughed and felix smiled. when chan finished he purposely put his chopsticks together on the plate. "that was a very nice meal, i haven't had kimchi this good in so long" felix mum said. felix then looked over at vivi, who hadn't spoken a word all dinner. he smiled at her and she smiled back. after a minute or so chan tapped felixs shoulder, "do you wanna go back upstairs?" he said. "yeah sure!" felix got up and thanked chans mum for the meal. "we are leaving at 8:00 felix so don't be late" his mum said sternly. "i won't be" felix said sarcastically. him and chan laughed, it felt like he was at a friends house in primary school, he felt like he didn't have to act like an adult for once. as they walked up the stairs felix noticed a small statue surrounded by candles and a cross on the windowsill. "yeah we have quite a of those...jesus shrines. mums crazy for it, that one in particular is for my nan though. funny thing is she wasn't even religious but i'm sure she'd appreciate the sentiment" chan laughed. felix looked closer and there was a small framed photo of an old but warm looking lady. "oh i'm so sorry..." felix didn't really know how to respond. "it's okay, nan told me she never wanted me to be sad so i try and make things positive" chans attitude was very admirable to felix. 

they both went back up the stairs and felix checked the time, 7:35. he had 25 minutes left here, he almost didn't want to leave. they went back into chans room and decided to play league of legends. "wow felix, you're highkey insane what the fuck" he watched felix fight in the battles in awe. felix was smiling to himself from chans compliment. felixs phone was on chans bed, he heard the notification. "could you check that for me" felix asked. "sure mate, chan got felix phone and checked it. "it's from vivi...who's that? your girlfriend?" chan joked and felix laughed. "nah mate my sister. i aint got a girlfriend" felix smiled. "neither...quite a few girls ask me out and they just don't get the hint that i don't like em back...it's so annoying" chan rolled his eyes. felix thought for a minute. does he mean he's...no way. he dresses way too straight to be gay. maybe bi...or pan...shut up felix god. you don't even know him well. "i mean i cant say i have girls lining up to date me but i prefer it that way anyway" felix giggled. "i don't see how...you've got like, really nice freckles. i'm sure people have told you that before but that was the first thing i noticed about you" chan said. 

felix was caught by surprise. the butterflies in his stomach seemed to explode and he messed up and move in the game. "oh wow...thank you. honestly i've never really liked them, i sometimes cover them with concealer" he said, trying not to die from this small complement. "well...you shouldn't! i think things like that make you unique" chan was still watching felix play. felix didn't even know what to respond with, no one really complimented him, especially boys? chan seemed confident in himself, he seemed like one of those guys on tiktok that all the girls love because he's not got 'toxic masculinity". felix was already head over heals for this boy...the chances are chan didn't like him back though.

the two boys continued chatting for the next 10 minutes, they joked a lot and acted like they had known each other for years. "oh shit, it's 8pm. you have to go now right?" chan said, looking at the clock. felix paused the game. "oh yeah...i do. my parents are probably waiting" he put down the controller and got his hoodie which he had taken off. "well, i had a really fun time today" he said to chan smiling. chan seemed caught by surprise by this. "i'm glad you did! you're actually good at league too" he said. "thanks! i'll have to friend you when i'm home, you're CB97 right?" he said as he was about to go downstairs. "yep! and oh, before you go" said chan, felix turned around. "here's my number if you ever wanna message me about something, i feel like we get along well" he said quickly. felix looked up and his ears were red, felix was blushing slightly too. he took the slip of paper from chans hand and thanked him. 

they said goodbye and he went downstairs, thanked chans parents again and got in the car, ready to go home. his mind racing, he had never felt this strongly about anyone before. he felt the piece of paper in his pocket, that little piece of paper meant more to him than most gifts he'd received, he rested his head on the window and smiled. what's the worst that could come out of this? a new friend was hardly a bad thing. maybe felix needed to stop being so negative about things, and look at the positives for once.


	11. Chapter 11

when felix got home he was filled with pure joy. he couldn't explain how happy he felt...after awhile however he started to rethink it. he was letting himself fall in love with a boy. he told himself he would never do that, he knew it was wrong. but in his mind it was right...in his mind it was what made him happy and most of all it was what his heart wanted. it was an internal battle but he was able to put it to the side for now. he opened his phone and added chan as a contact. he didn't message him, but even having his name there made his heart flutter. he got ready for bed, but then remembered about chans soundcloud.

3racha...he only remembered it because it sounded like siracha. they had quite a few songs, wow. the first one that came up, with 1200 streams was "matryoshka". isn't that russian? felix thought. he turned it on, and was immediately wowed. the rapper must be changbin, he was insane!! his flow was incredible and even felix could recognise it. he then heard chans verse, which was just as good. he almost couldn't believe chan had produced this, he was so talented. he listened to a couple other 3racha songs, which were all just as good as each other. his personal favourite was one called runners high. by the time he finished stalking their soundcloud, it was almost 1am, he was so exhausted so he planned to message chan in the morning to tell him he had listened to his songs and loved them. 

felix woke up, scrolled through tiktok for a bit and then decided to message chan. 

chan?

felix lee  
hi :} this is felix, is this chan?

chan?   
hey felix! yep this is chan bang, hi! 

felix lee  
i just wanted to message you to tell you listened to your music on soundcloud and i love it! changbin is such a good rapper and you're clearly super talented at producing , rapping and singing. id love to hear more ^.^ my fave was runners high btw! such a cool beat

chan bang  
wow...thank you so much :) that really means a lot 2 me. i spent a lot of time on runners high so i'm glad you like it. thanks for messaging, i hope you have a good day!

felix lee  
no probs, and ye, i might be on league today if u wanted to play at sone point?

chan bang  
ooh yeah i'd love to! i aint got nothing else to do today anyway LMAO

felix lee  
^_^

felix smiled at his phone, chan was so sweet. if only chan was a girl, would he feel like this was right. he knew it was wrong, and unnatural, but also knew he couldn't help it. at the end of the day if he was happy that's all that matters...but if chan rejects him then he didn't know if he'd be able to carry on. he'd never confessed to his crushes before, because he knew they wouldn't like him back. it was painful, having to keep his emotions in, and he would do anything to not have to deal with it, but the life he was living wasn't one where he could be his true self, which was probably the hardest part. he felt such mixed emotions, but chans aura seemed to fit his own, they complimented eachothers personality well. 

about an hour after he told chan they could play together, he turned on his ps4. there was a knock at his door, and he stayed silent, hoping it wasn't his parents. "it's me lix" his sister said. "oh right, come in then" he said. she came in and sat on his bed. "just thought i'd come and say hi, you haven't played on your ps4 in ages have you?" she said. "no, but chan asked if he wanted to play league so i said sure" he replied and he dusted off his controller. "chan? whos chan?" she seemed confused. "oh, mums friends son, the one we saw yesterday" he replied casually. "really? surprisingly that you'd be friends honestly, i was listening into what his parents were talking about and they seem a quite chill, a little crazy though. his mum said she was a trump supporter though and said she 'agreed with his ideas...' girl you need to make sure this kid aint one either before you get too close with him". felix laughed, "nah i doubt he is, he seems too nice" he said. "still be careful, those church kids are all a little insane" vivi then got up. "well i was going to talk to you about something but i'll leave you to play" and she left the room. felix got a weird feeling from her saying she wanted to talk to him about something, when people word it like that it's rarely a positive thing. he tried not to overthink it though.

he added CB97 on playstation network, and he was accepted almost immediately. chan must of already been online. he opened up league of legends and invited chan who joined his game straight away. "hey!" said chan through the mic. "hi!" felix replied, and the two began to play. felix began to teach chan the techniques he used in game, and the strategies he used. chan listened intently and even tried them out himself. felix was rarely the one showing other people how to do things, so this was definitely a first. he felt good about it too, especially when chan thanked him. after discussing the game for awhile they started talking about other things again, mainly school. felix told him how he was dreading exams, and how he was really struggling in almost all subjects. chan gave him advice, and even offered to help him after school somedays. felix thanked him for that. he knew it was just an idea but he somewhat hoped he actually would. 

eventually, chan brought up the subject of parents. "my parents are hella strict...nice enough but really strict and it feels like i can hardly live my own life sometimes. my mum has some pretty messed up views too" he said. "i mean same, my parents are borderline insane. no disrespect to christianity at all but they are so hateful and judgemental" felix said this quietly as he was afraid his parents might hear. "same, like why be racist, homophobic, transphobic, classist and just overall a shitty person when you can just...love everyone you know?" chan said this without holding back. felix sat in shock for a minute, chan was so...mature. he truly adored him already. "yeah i agree" felix said, not wanting to elaborate too much incase his parents were listening outside his room.

the two continued to talk, listen to eachother and talk about their experiences for almost 2 hours. at one point felix was just sitting on his bed talking with his headset on, he didn't even realise they weren't playing. conversations just flowed so naturally, felix no longer felt nervous to speak to him, and although chan seemed like a naturally outgoing person he still engaged with everything felix said. felix had struggled with being so introverted a lot, people seemed to lose interest in him quickly due to the fact he was do quiet a lot of the time. however, in the short time he'd known chan he had no problem talking to him. 

after 3 hours of them talking, laughing, messing around and sharing their experiences had gone by, chan had to go for dinner. he said goodbye to felix. when felix looked away from the tv, his eyes were burning from how long he had been looking at the screen for. he fell back onto his bed, smiling to himself. he felt like a girl in one of those coming of age movies, who had just met a really cute boy and already fell in love. but he had known chan for a week...and only spent a couple of hours total talking to him. however chan felt different to all of his other friends, with hyunjin he felt like he could talk casually but with chan he felt a connection he hadn't with anyone before. he was already infatuated, even though he had a slight fear that it wouldn't end well.


	12. Chapter 12

felix relaxed for the rest of the day, his mum and dad had gone out for lunch and vivi was seeing her friend who felix was convinced was her boyfriend, but her parents didn't know that part. he was at home alone. his parents wouldn't be home for another 5 hours, so he decided to try on some of vivis clothes. he loved fashion, but even if he wore something as small as a slightly 'girly' necklace his parents told him to take it off because it wasn't "appropriate". he looked through her wardrobe and found a white skirt, knee length socks and a cropped hoodie. he debated for a minute if he wanted to do it...god would probably be calling all the slurs in the book if he saw him right now but he didn't exactly care. he put on the outfit and looked in the mirror, he laughed slightly. he loved it, he felt like it suited him well. he spun around in the skirt just for fun. "a bit of makeup won't hurt..." he told himself. he found vivis makeup bag, and tried doing a basic look with some minimal eyeliner. he looked in the mirror and felt so pretty.

it felt so liberating to dress like this without anyone seeing him or judging him, he decided to get out his phone and take some pictures of it for himself only. after taking them, he sat down for a minute and looked through her makeup drawer. 

he felt so good, but he knew his parents were coming home soon and if they saw him they'd probably straight up kick him out of the house right then and there. he put her clothes back right where he found them, but he kept the makeup on to take some selfies in his room where the lighting was better. 

once he'd done that, he took off the makeup and laid back on his bed. maybe he could send of the pictures he took to hyunjin, as hyunjin often posted his name own outfits on instagram. if felix was being honest, he was very envious of hyunjin. in many ways. his parents, his appearance, his confidence and his life in general, but he tried to not show it too much as to not seem petty. at the end of the day, he had a financially stable family and a roof over his head. 

—

felix had gone to sleep early on saturday again, as he was really tired. he was awake earlier on sunday, and felt motivated to do some drawing. until however, he realised it was sunday. meaning church. well that was pretty shit wasn't it. everytime they went to church he seemed to hate it more, he found it so upsetting for some reason. probably because he accounted it with the fact it was the one reason why his parents hated him, he hated himself and why he felt so unwanted a lot of the time. his dad came in to remind him that they were leaving soon, so he got ready to go and got in the car. when they got there, they weren't early like the last time and went straight inside. felix instantly scanned the room, until he found chan. he felt a little bit of relief seeing him, but his family was on the complete other side of the church. he kept looking at him. just before the service started, chan looked around behind him and saw felix, they smiled at eachother again and felix felt the same little bit of joy he did everytime the blonde boy even acknowledged him. 

the service went on as usual, with felix hardly paying attention to anything going on, instead felix tried to distract himself from what they were saying and remind himself that non of it was real, or so he hoped. after the hour and a half had gone by, felix left as soon as possible and felt the relief of breathing in the fresh air. when they got in the car their mum started talking to the both of them about church, how they should consider helping out after service and that she would be so proud if either of them did so. he just closed his eyes, clearly uninterested in what she had to say.


	13. Chapter 13

it was monday already, meaning school again. the weekend hadn't been too bad, up until sunday evening when his parents had yelled at him for an hour straight about how he was failing school, after only getting a c in maths. telling him that if he wanted their respect he had to 'man up' and stop acting lazy, of the many degrading things they said. admittedly, he was tired. he was trying his best and he knew he was, it wasn't even like he never studied, he did often, his parents just seemed to hate him no matter what he did. it was draining, and he had gone to bed that night feeling very upset, not even vivi came and spoke to him as she was facetiming her 'friend' again. 

he still wasn't feeling great that morning, and vivi had left without him. he walked on his own, listening to his coldplay playlist as usual. when he got to school, he checked the time, it was 8:35, classes started 5 minutes ago. he ran to the doors, only for them to be locked. he looked around, and boy with blue hair came running to the door. "they aren't locked too right?" he asked in a panic. "yep...why are the other ones too?" felix asked. "shit shit shit...i can't get another detention" the smaller boy seemed to be panicking. as felix looked closer he noticed this boys eyes much resembled a fox, he was cute. "cant we just go in through the reception?" felix looked around, there was no one else outside and reception was on the other side of the school. "i guess so, but i don't want to be because those dumbass receptionists will almost definitely see us and ask us we were are late, my friend even got their parents called on them because of it" said the fox looking boy. felix was panicking a bit now too, he did NOT want his parents to be informed.

"maybe we could just try pulling the door open?" felix suggested, he had experience breaking locked doors before. "i've got history, i know a back door around where the history entrance is that we could try" the smaller boy looked around. "okay sure, i don't know the way though so you'll have to show me" felix said. "sure!" the fox looking boy lead felix around the school. "hey are you friends with hyunjin hwang by any chance?" asked the other boy. "uhm, yeah i guess so" felix was confused by this question as this boy was clearly at least a year below him. "oh cool, i thought i'd seen you two together before. my names jeongin by the way!" he said. "cool, i'm felix" and the two walked around to the other side of the school. felix checked the time, 8:42. "here it is" jeongin said, and he pointed to a single door attached to the side of the building. felix tried pulling it first, but that didn't work. it was locked. he then took out his locker key, and fiddled with it in the key hole. just like magic, the door opened into a janitors closet. felix and jeongin went in, felix then opened the door to the hallway slightly to check no one was there and they both went in. "wow, that definitely would get a detention but thanks!" felix said to jeongin. "no problem! see you around" the younger boy said. people at this school are so much nicer, felix said to himself. 

he went to science, the teacher asked him where he was and he just said he had to go to reception which she believed. he went to his seat, the one he picked on the first day, and hyunjin smiled at him. "you're lucky the teacher believed you" he said. "why wouldn't she, i was telling the truth" felix smirked. "cmon, what did you do?" hyunjin laughed. "i got here 5 minutes late, so i was stuck outside with this kid jeongin, so we had to break into a janitors closet to get in" it sounded pretty cool to say it. "oh wow, rebels. and wait, did this jeongin have blue hair?" hyunjin asked. "yep, why?" felix got out his chemistry book. "he keeps trying to follow me on instagram, i always see him pop up. he seems quite sweet though" hyunjin was flicking through his notes. "maybe he's tryna get with you" felix said jokingly. "nah i doubt it, anyone with blue hair kinda sus tho" hyunjin said raising his eyebrows.

"what did you say about jisung? he's gay? we already knew that one" minho interrupted sarcastically. felix laughed, but jisung turned around. "minho you really exist to make my life hell don't you" said jisung half laughing. "that wasn't what you were saying to me last night" minho rolled his eyes. "one day you're gonna say something dumb and people are actually going to believe you, also if you aren't gay let's see your phone lock screen" jisung reached into minhos pocket to which minho slapped his hand. "i wouldnt be surprised though" hyunjin whispered to felix. even he got the vibes that jisung and minhos teasing each other was their way of flirting. the other too continued to tease eachother, eventually hyunjin just rolled his eyes sarcastically and went back to doing the work. about half way through the lesson, they got handed a test which felix felt like he did terribly on. when he marked it he realised he for 18/50, which wasn't great. he most certainly wouldn't be showing this one to his parents. 

the day went by as normal, with nothing too eventful. after school however, changbin told felix he was walking home that day so he offered to walk with him. the two began to walk home, until felix heard someone coming up behind them. changbin turned around, "hey chan!" changbin said to which felix immediately turned around. "hey changbin, hey felix!" he smiled at them both. "i decided to walk home too today so i thought i'd catch you guys up" he said smiling. "oh cool, did you email me those samples by the way?" changbin asked. "i'm gonna do it tonight, i just had to double check copywrite laws and stuff. also i've started working on another song, it's not got a name right now so i'm just calling it mixtape 3" chan said. "oh you'll have to send me what you've got so far! by the way, my friend jisung said he'd really like to try out rapping on one of our tracks. he's actually really fire! i'll send them to you when i'm home" changbin said to chan. chan thanked changbin and the 3 of them carried on talking, felix less so as he felt slightly awkward. 

"i have to turn this way now, my house is just across the road, sorry guys! i'm not sure how far your houses are" changbin had to cross the street now. "no worries! see you mate!" chan called. it was now just him and felix


	14. Chapter 14

"did you have a good day?" chan asked sweetly. "yeah i did thanks! kinda fucked up my science test but i'll live with it" felix didn't want to come off too negatively. "what did you get if you don't mind me asking? it can't be that bad!" chan walked along right next to felix. "i got 18/50" felix couldnt not hide his disappointment and somewhat embarrassment that he did so badly. "it could of been worse lix, don't beat yourself up about it. if you want though you can come to my house at some point and i can help you look over it?" he said, felix immediately got butterflies. "yeah i'd love to! i mean it would be helpful" felix laughed, chan smiled. "i can do science and maths, it's everything else that i literally fail at. no wonder my parents think i'm going to end up working at supermarket". "i mean at this rate we might be there together" felix joked. "yep haha, by the way, i really like your hoodie! it looks good on you" chan continued to look forward, almost to avoid eye contact with felix, who had no idea what to say. 

he felt his stomach go upside down from this small compliment, it took him a second to compose himself. "w..wow thank you! it's one of my favourites. i love your style though, especially your jackets" and truth be told felix did really love chans style, but no matter what he wore he always looked very cute. chan giggled, felix looked up and his ears had gone red. they both laughed it off and talked for the next 10 minutes about random things, but not a minute of silence. felix got more comfortable around him even in this short time, by the time they'd reached felixs house he was almost crying from laughter. he said goodbye to chan, and he got inside. "took you long enough to get home" his mother was sitting in her usual spot on the sofa, playing candy crush on her phone. "i was just with some friends" his mood immediately went down from his mothers condescending tone. "which friends? i didn't think you had friends, wasn't that what you complained about for months?" she snarked. "actually, it's chan bang and his friend changbin, they are really cool to be honest" he said. his mum didn't respond, once again not even looking up from her screen.he went straight upstairs to his room. 

he got a text about an hour later, from chan. he loved seeing that it was from chan.

chan :)

chan bang  
hii! just wanted to let u know that i'm free on saturday if u wanted to come over in the evening to study. you can have dinner too if u want :D

felix lee  
i'm probably not doing anything either, so that works for me!!

chan bang  
great :) does 5pm work? 

felix lee  
yuppp! thank u again!! it's really kind of u to help

chan bang  
no problem lix :3  
{kermit meme but i can’t insert images on AO3}

felix had to double take at his phone, did chan really just send him a kermit love meme? it was probably just to be funny...kind of flirty though. felix wanted to imagine he wasn't the only one catching feelings for the other between the 2 of them, but he knew he should be too unrealistic.   
—  
the rest of the week went by fast, it was now friday evening. over the week felix had spent a lot of time studying, so he didn't look like a total dumbass when he saw chan. hyunjin had continued to conspire with him about jisung and minho and how he was convinced they were dating. felix loved being around hyunjin, he was such a fun person but also was a great friend to talk to about other things. he'd opened up more about his family and how difficult his parents could be, and hyunjin assured him that if he ever needed somewhere to go, he could go to his house. felix contemplated telling him about chan, even just mentioning that there was a boy he liked, but he decided not to JUST INCASE rumours went around. 

him and chan had played call of duty on wednesday after school, but aside from that they hadn't had the chance to speak to eachother at school. although chan would always acknowledge felix if he saw him, even if it was just a smile. felix quickly realised he was falling in love with chan, he couldn't help it, he had felt like he would from the moment they met. part of him hoped chan was straight and didn't like him back, just so he didn't have to bother with the worries of trying to hide a relationship from the many homophobic people around him, but he also hoped chan liked him too. he would never admit this to anyone, but sometimes when he was trying to fall asleep he would imagine what it was like to be cuddling up next to chan and to have chan run his hands through his hair. he seemed like the perfect boyfriend, attractive, kind, respectful and everything else. the kermit meme kept replaying in his mind...oh why was he so attached to something that he knew wasn't even allowed, yet he still wanted it.


	15. Chapter 15

felix woke up at around noon on saturday, much later than usual. he somehow hadnt been woken up by his parents, they had probably gone out by now. he remembered he was going to chans house in the evening, so he immediately got ready. today he decided to wear a slightly cropped graphic tee, some cargo style jeans and a checkered belt paired with his favorite nike airforces. he had never worn the shirt before, as his parents deemed it too promiscuous. he was only planning to wear it to chans house though, so he put an oversized hoodie over the top so his parents didnt interogate him for wearing the (not even THAT cropped) crop top. at around 3, chan texted felix his address and felix thanked him again. he then remembered chans house wasnt exactly a 5 minute walk away and he'd probably want vivi to drive him. he went into her room and knocked on the door. 

'oh my gosh no and did you see yves reaction?!' she was laughing. felix opened the door slightly to see her on a facetime call with a boy. he turned around quickly and the look on her face was terrified. she seemed relieved when she saw it was just felix, so she quickly muted herself. 'what do you want?' she said slightly annoyed, most likely because   
he had interupted her call. 'can you drive me to a friends house later?' he asked. 'yeah sure, hyunjin?' she turned back around. 'no, someone else, he lives in surry hills' felix replied awkwardly. "oh okay, well yeah just let me know when we need to go and i'll take you there" she then motioned him to get out of her room. "thanks viv!" he said and he went back to his room. he gathered all the books he needed.

it was around 4:45, so felix knocked on vivis door and they got ready to go, their parents were still out, as they were on most weekends, so they got to leave in peace without interrogation. they got in the car "so who were you speaking to on the phone when i came in?" felix asked with a smirk. "just...my friend" she said laughing nervously. "cmon viv i ain't gonna cut off all contact with you just because you're seeing a boy" felix laughed. "well his names eunwoo, he's a korean exchange student and he's HELLA handsome" she added. "oh cool, well be careful mum and dad don't find out because you know how strict they are about dating" felix looked out the window at the familiar streets. "yeah i know, it's bullshit anyway. they should let us be teens" felix agreed. "are you seeing anyone then?" she asked felix in return with a smile. felix was immediately a bit flustered, he'd never been in a relationship before but chan came to his mind immediately. "no, no girls seem to like me because i'm so weird" he laughed it off trying to act casual.

"i'm sure they do felix, you're a really sweet kid. you're just too shy for them to get your feelings. plus it might not be just girls" she said casually. felixs stomach turned "what do you mean?" he said nervously. "i don't know like...i know mum and dad always say liking people of the same gender is terrible but like...you never know. you might find a boy who you like just as much and that's the reason why you've never gotten with a girl" she said this so calmly, but felix was freaking out. had she realised he might be gay? or was she just saying it to be inclusive. "y..yeah i guess so" he said quietly, looking outside. vivi didn't say anything more after this, she instead turned on some music. 

they eventually made it to chans house, the same expensive looking neighbourhood. she dropped him off, he thanked her and grabbed his bag with school books. he knocked on the door to be greeted by chan himself. he had taken off the hoodie in the car, and left it there. "i love your outfit!" chan immediately noticed felixs outfit. "thank you!" he thanked chan and they both went inside, and went immediately upstairs.


	16. Chapter 16

felix sat down on chans bed, getting out his books. "so you wanted help with chemistry right?" chan asked, looking at the books laid out. "yep! thank you so much for doing this by the way" felix got out his chemistry exercise book. "did you have an okay day before we start?" chan asked politely. "yeah i guess so! my parents weren't home for most of the day so that's always good" he laughed "my parents don't even have a social life, they are at home 24/7 so it's hard to even record songs without being able to hear my siblings in the background" chan took his laptop off of his desk, then got out a second chair , where felix sat down. "do you wanna look through it now?" chan asked. "yeah!" felix got out his test paper and chan looked through it. "so, if you look at your test the areas you did best at are masses and understanding atomic structure, however you need to work on balancing equations since those are worth most of the marks" he explained.

45 minutes later they had finished going through the test. chan explained every single question and made sure felix understood it, felix even made a point to listen to everything chan said and write it down. he felt much better afterwards, but by the end they were both losing their will to live. "last...question..." chan whined jokingly and pretended to fall asleep on felixs arm which was leaning over the desk. felix was caught by surprise but he laughed "mate i can't write the question if you're laying on my arm" . chan got up and smiled "it was comfy thoughhhh" he giggled. "if this is that boring then why did you agree to do it" felix smirked. "i'm only messing with you, cmon last question though! you can do it lix". "1. 4g of sodium reacts with 10g of water to produce 9g of sodium hydroxide and what mass of hydrogen" chan read out. felix started writing it down, and got out his calculator. as he almost finished it, chan began jokingly cheering like a cheerleader "go felix! go felix! go felix!" and when he finished it he high fived felix. "wow, that felt like it took ages but it's only been 45 minutes" chan looked at his apple watch. "do you wanna go get some dinner?" chan smiled. "yeahh sure!" felix got up and him and chan went downstairs.

"mum did you get the pizza out of the   
freezer?" he shouted into the living room. "pizza? what pizza? we had pizza on thursday. chan looked at felix, "oh shit". "how about you and your friend go to the one across the road, i'll give you two the money" his mum came into the kitchen. "really? thanks mum!" he thanked his mum. "yeah so there's a pizza place like 5 minutes away if you want to walk there!" chans mum had just left to get the money. "i mean im fine with anything so sounds good!" felix smiled and thanked chans mum when she came. he hoped to go to chans house more often, this was fun. chan took the money, felix remembered he hadn't brought a coat or hoodie, possibly the dumbest decision ever. it was almost 6pm so the sun was already setting. "wow, your street looks especially pretty at sunset" felix admired the palm trees. it was a bit cold though, so he looked in his pocket. he didn't have his gloves. "yeah it really is, honestly all of sydneys neighbourhoods are pretty" chan said, walking along next to felix who was wearing both a hoodie and a denim jacket. they talked for a bit about school until they got to the pizza place.

chan walked in and felix followed behind. they both looked at the menu and agreed on one they both liked. chan ordered it and they both sat on the stalls at the front. felix got his phone out, but he could hardly type because his hands were so cold. "why are your hands so red?!" chan immediately noticed. "cus im freezing my ass off that's why" felix laughed. chan laughed too "let me help" and he took felixs hands and held them in his own. his hands were much bigger, but also much warmer and it did help. felix had the most butterflies though from the soft touch of his hands, "hey why are you going red? do i make you flustered or something?" chan was getting very brave, even though he was giggling like a girl himself. "shut uppp" felix giggled too, but he didn't pull his hands away from chans, "oh my god your hands are tiny" he put his hand against felixs. "yeah i've been told that before" felix giggled. felix felt almost sick from the butterflies he felt, but it was a good feeling. chan eventually let them go. "better now?" chan smiled. "very" felix couldn't help but giggle. he felt slightly embarrassed seeing other people at the store look at them, but he really didn't care. 

once the pizza was ready, chan got it and he motioned for felix to follow him. felix got up and they started to walk home. felix was still thinking about the flirty moment where chan held his hands, he knew it was chan, and he was probably just being playful, but it still made him happy that chan saw him as even a friend that he could joke around with. they talked casually on the way home, but it was getting much darker and felix hated walking alone in the dark. he wouldn't ever tell chan this, he didn't want to seem like a baby. 

when they got home, the two ran straight up to chans room. chan ran and jumped onto his bed, felix following but sitting crosslegged at the end. "wanna watch youtube or something while we eat?" asked chan, turning on his tv. "sure!" felix replied. chan the. turned scrolled through youtube and clicked on a video by quackity, who just happened to be me of felixs personal favourite youtubers. they both took a piece, felix trying it first. he tried avoiding foods like pizzas, because he was very self conscious about his weight. he rarely ate unhealthy foods at home, because there wasn't any, but also because he already felt ugly and knew gaining weight wouldn't make him feel any better. "you like it?" chan asked while eating some of his own. "yeah it's actually really good! i haven't had pizza in ages" felix started eating with more enthusiasm. "yeah we used to get pizza from there almost every saturday!" chan said. they finished the pizza quickly, both laughing at the video they were watching. 

"i'm assuming you've got to go soon now, since it's almost 7" chan said, getting up from his bed. "i don't want to overstay my welcome of course, i have nothing else i'm doing this evening though" felix said, looking around chans room. "well you can stay a bit longer and we can play some games if you want?" and to this felix looked over at chan and smiled. "id like that, i like hanging out with you so i'd much rather be here than at home" felix didn't want to be too embarrassing but he could tell chan wasn't the type to get embarrassed around his friends. "aww you're too sweet, i love your company too. it's very nice to be around someone who actually cares about what i have to say" chan said this slightly sarcastically, more in the way that he was poking fun at his other friends. chan threw felix the second controller and sat down next to him  
—  
authors note: i just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who’s been reading, left a kudos, comment or saved/bookmarked. this is one of my first fics so i’m still getting used to my writing style and improving my writing, but also i really love and resonate to the concept of this fic and i’m so glad some other people do too. i love reading comments, so if you’ve got why predictions, questions or just comments in general feel free to leave them and i’d love to read+reply! i’m going to be aiming for 2 chapters a day, however some days i’ll only be able to do 1 (eg today) and i’ll be updating around 1-2am AEDT (australian eastern daylight time) which is around 10am eastern time for anyone wondering. thank you again! now i need to sleep because it’s 4am my time lol


	17. Chapter 17

they decided to play final fantasy, a game felix admitted he wasn't as good at. chan however seemed pretty good at it, so he showed felix what he did. felix used to game all the time, but about a year and a half ago when his depression and negative thoughts had began to reach their worst point, he stopped enjoying things he usually did, and therefor he hadn't gamed in quite awhile until he became friends with chan. he forgot how much he enjoyed it, especially how much he would enjoy occasionally going to friends houses for a sleepover and playing for hours. felix was much more relaxed this time, he was laying back on the chair with his legs crossed. 

"shittt he's kinda sexy though" chan snarked at one of the characters, cloud strife, who was a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. felix was again taken by surprise when he said this. he laughed slightly, "simping for a 2D character wow chan i thought you'd be better than this" felix said sarcastically. "come on felix as if you don't have a crush on a video game character. all the boys do" chan said. "not really to be honest. cloud is cute though, i will say" he pursed his lips together, feeling embarrassed but still giggling. "i mean fair enough, i would never want to be part of 'the boys' anyway. i literally hate my friend group because that's basically all of them. this one kid lucas whos in your year i think is such a dick for no reason. he bullied me so much 2 years ago after something went around about me" chan stopped laughing. "he made a pretty distasteful joke to my friend hyunjin in science, he really does seem like a shitty person. was it true this thing people were spreading around though?" felix asked, assuming it was something petty. "well yeah i guess it was...i think that's why it hurt the most. i told people it wasn't true though just to make it easier for myself" chan was still speaking casually but felix could sense that it was upsetting him. felix was just aimlessly playing around on the game, he was more focused on what chan was speaking about "what was it if you don't mind me asking?". chan stopped for a minute. "well like...do you know what being pansexual is? he asked. felix stopped for a minute. he didn’t want to come off as rude at all, so he responded as quickly as he could “yeah i do” he replied. “well that’s me, i ain’t straight that’s for sure. but yeah you can assume how people reacted when one of my friends went around telling people i was gay ”. 

the silence was loud. felix was shocked, for some reason he didn't expect chan to say this. "i'm so sorry he did that to you. that's so...terrible. thank you for being honest with me though, i don't see you as any different as should everyone else. who you like doesn't change your personality. you're still chan" felix said after a second of silence and chan turned around and smiled. that means a lot felix, thank you. it's so weird because like, i was so scared in the moment of what might happen that i said some really nasty things to try and convince people i wasnt and i still feel guilty to this day for saying those things" his tone wasn’t too negative, it was closer to just being a bit frustrated. he didn’t seem like the type to expose his feelings that often, or at least that’s how it felt. "i don't think you should feel guilty, especially if it was 2 years ago like...you can't control your sexuality. it's how you're born. but you were forced to come out when you weren’t comfortable to so no one can blame you for how you reacted" felix replied, conscious of his wording.

"that's really true, wow you're like, so mature. thank you...so much for that. it's really reassuring even though now i managed to convince all my friends i'm straight, it feels like i'm hiding part of me and to this day some kids will tease me about it and say chans gay as a joke, because they think i'll find it funny because i'm 'straight', you know what i mean?" he said, resting his head on the sofa. "yeah i get you, i feel so bad that you had to go through that. your parents don't know right?" felix remembered that chans family was almost as crazy religious as his own. "oh of course not, and none of them have guessed either. if they see a boy in any kind of feminine clothing they joke that he's gay and i guess because i don't really dress like that they haven't even though about it. maybe that's for the best though because i'd probably get disowned if they found out" he sighed 

"that's why i hate religion...it's so hateful...i know like we are both religious but i'm sure you get what i mean. we are made to think that parts of us we can't control our wrong when like god made us 'perfect' right?" felix said reassuringly. "yeah, that's my point. i'm glad you understand though" chan was fiddling around with the controller buttons. "it's okay. and just so i get it right, pansexual is like you are attracted to all genders equally, so you would date a girl, boy, or anyone else?" felix asked. he'd heard of the term before, of course, but still wasn't sure what it even was. "yeah! so like, some bisexual people have a preference, whereas pansexual people don't. for example i have had crushes on a lot of people, but their gender doesn't play a part in it. i just people for who they are. so yeah, i could like a girl, boy, non binary, transgender, or anyone in between. it's the personality that matters" chan explained to which felix nodded as he understood what the older meant. "that's really cool!" felix said reassuringly. "have you ever dated anyone before?" chan turned the question to felix, they resumed the game. felix was still in slight shock from chan coming out to him, but he was even more nervous when chan asked him this. "uhm yeah, when i was like 5. aside from that nope" felix said as casually as possible. chan laughed, then switched the conversation back to the game, and talking about their favourite streamers.


	18. Chapter 18

"anything else you wanna do? he asked felix, after they had been gaming for awhile now. "could you show me how you make your music? i'm always so interested in that kind of stuff" felix looked at his second desk, which had a mini piano on it and 2 sets of headphones. "sure!! you know how much i love producing, come over here" he sat down at his desk, and felix followed. felix stood behind him, as chan opened up the producing software he uses. "so i first download samples from this website, you've probably heard some before because most producers use this website. they cost money but to me it's worth it, i save up a lot. i make my own melodys too, the samples are usually used for background info" he explained. felix watched intently and listened to everything the older said.

he even showed him a couple of songs they were working on. "if you listen to this one, we got your friend jisung on the track too which i was so happy about. we might even add him to 3racha because well...3racha makes more sense with 3 people instead of 2" he showed one of the rap samples jisung did, felix was impressed. "wow! all 3 of you are so talented, seriously chan don't give up on this because i'm not joking, your songs have so much potential" felix said. chan thanked felix again, and closed his computer. "oh shit it's getting dark..." chan said. felix looked out the window, it was almost pitch black. he checked the time, 8:30pm. 

his parents gave both him and vivi a 9pm curfew which felix had never broken, vivi had though and she told him they hit her with a shoe and yelled at her for an hour straight. he didn't know how much of that was true, because she had a tendency to mess around with him when he was younger and scare him, but knowing his parents it wouldn't be surprising. "i should probably be getting home now then" felix said after checking the time. he quickly texted vivi

vivi lee

felix lee  
viv can you come pick me up from my friends house?

vivi lee  
i'm at my friends house sorry lix

felix lee  
what about the 9pm curfew?? how are you allowed to stay out?

vivi lee  
i told mum it's a sleepover, she believes me so i'll just come home when i can and say i felt sick

felix lee  
i need to get home though?

vivi lee  
you'll have to walk, sorry. ask your friend for a lift, i've gtg bye bye stay safe pls

"what's going on? is she coming to pick you up?" chan asked after he frantically texted her back. "she's at a friends house so she can't" felix was panicking. "i'll ask my dad if he can give you a lift, my mum doesn't drive" chan said quickly, getting up and felix grabbed his stuff. chan knocked on the door to his dads office "dad?" there was no response. he opened the door, and the office was empty. they went downstairs, chans mum was watching tv with their dog. "mum wheres dad? i need him to give me and felix a lift to his house" chan said looking into the living room. "dads gone to the pub with his mates, i thought you knew that" she said, similarly to felixs mum, not looking up from the tv. "you two can walk, you're not children, it's only 25 minutes to their neighbourhood" she said casually. chan looked at felix, they left the living room

"i can walk you home if you want" chan said, he could probably sense felix was feeling a bit anxious. "but then i'm making you walk for like an hour and that's not fair. i can walk on my own it's okay" he said reluctantly. "no it's seriously okay!" chan said again. "thank you so much, i don't know what i did for you to be so kind to me" felix laughed. "the feelings mutual lix, don't worry" chan said, which slightly confused felix for a moment. he remembered he didn't even have a coat to wear, because he decided the top was enough. it was probably even colder now it was later. felix quickly texted his dad, who was most likely home, that was on his way home from a friends house and would be home in 30 minutes. any other child in a normal functioning family would be able to ask their parents to come pick them up, but felixs parents had the rule that if you went to a friends house you had to make your own way home. hence why vivi got her drivers licence early. 

"you're going to be freezing, do you want to borrow one of my hoodies?" chan said at almost the same moment felix thought about it. felix couldn't help but laugh to himself at the cliche of borrowing your crushes sweater. he agreed though, and chan gave him a hoodie which was very oversized on felix. he felt very warm from this small gesture, his heart fluttered. he hated walking in the dark though, but he felt safer with someone else. chan opened the door and they both went outside, felix slightly reluctantly. it was dark outside, and the only lights were the garden lights every other house had, he still felt slightly scared, it was cold. "you alright?" chan asked after they started walking. "yeah i'm fine, it's really dark" he commented. "are you scared of the dark?" chan said, not even joking. is he a mind reader..."maybe just a little bit but i'm fine" felix said quickly, laughing it off.

they chatted about school again, the more chan spoke about his friend group the more they seemed like terrible people who were just using him for his looks and attractive personality. "you should sit with us instead" felix said, they crossed a road. "yeah honestly i might, but most of you aren't in my year and i'd still feel bad for my friends" it was clear chan was always worried about other people, felix thought it was sweet. "but you also need to stand up for yourself, who cares what those girls think. they don't actually care about you" felix said slightly harshly but chan seemed to understand. "yeah, i mean you are right. they make fun of me for wanting to be a producer, yet then they are in my dms asking to go on a date with me. really weird. i'm not even that attractive like what do they see in me" chan clearly didn't see what everyone else seemed to see. "firstly i wouldn't say that, like objectively you're not bad looking and you've got a really nice personality" felix said. "thanks, honestly you've said you don't have many friends but i could say you same to!" chan giggled. 

the two continued walking, until they got out of the neighbourhood. the reached an area where there were a couple of small shops, but it was mainly just a straight road with a field on one side, and the entrance to an apartment complex a couple of yards away on the other side. felix could hardly see anything, he was getting more nervous. the wind picked up as well, for a minute felix thought this pathetic fallacy and a giant tsunami was about to come and wipe them all out. he wasn't that superstitious, but chan noticed he had almost gone quiet. "it's so cold" felix said after a moment. "and dark" he said slightly quieter. "want me to hold your hand to make you feel better?" chan offered. felix felt his stomach almost flip, he probably would of blushed but it was so cold it probably wouldn't even be noticeable if the streets were lit up. felix didn't respond, instead just looking to his side and interlocking his fingers with the older. he immediately felt much safer, vivi used to do it with him too, when they'd walk at night. sometimes she'd ever have her arm around him to make him feel better. chan didn't say anything either, but he held felixs cold hand in his own tightly. felix could hardly feel the butterflies because he was so cold, but he could tell he probably wouldn't forget this moment. 

after about 10 minutes, they made it into felixs neighbourhood. still holding hands, and felix still smiling to himself. he almost didn't want this moment to end. when they got to his street, and began to approach his house, felix let go. "just incase my parents see" he said quietly. "it's okay, i'm glad it made you feel better" chan smiled. felix so desperately wanted to run into his arms, in the middle of the street and kiss him like in the movies, but the logical side of his brain told him what a ludicrous idea that was. he said goodbye, and told chan to message him when he's home. he went inside, greeting his parents, his hand just a little bit warmer than when he left.  
—  
a/n: i literally just woke up but i really wanted to publish this chapter as it’s my favourite that i’ve written so far. once again thank you for almost 1000 hits and over 60 (i think) kudos’! i really appreciate it 🥰


	19. Chapter 19

as felix was laying in bed, he was holding chans hoodie tightly. it had a faint smell of him, he thought about the things that had happened that day. chan seemed to have appeared in his life out of nowhere, but immediately this boy with blonde hair and the smile of an angel was always on his mind. every little action, maybe felixs perspective was warped by the fact he had a crush on the older, but never the less was sweet and made felix want to be with him all the time. holding his hand when he was scared, not ever judging him and being willing to open up to him himself and just never failing to make felix smile. 

the fact he probably actually had a chance with this boy was the scariest thought. he enjoyed the idea of being in a relationship with chan, but only the idea. he felt anxious at the idea of pursuing a relationship...he had always been told and had heard from religious preachings that it's only sin if you act on the desires. i mean, he had already held this boys hand, does that count? he was laying in bed, it was dark, with only the streetlights vaguely lighting up his room. he cuddled up to chans hoodie closer, trying not to think about it. it felt like his mind had a way of the negative thoughts always takings over the positive ones. it was like a voice in his head that told him nothing was good enough and reminded him of everything that was wrong with him. it started to rain, and he was cold. he picked up his phone, it was already past midnight. he had a notification though, he checked it and chans name popped up.

chan bang  
hi lix, sorry it's kinda late (i don't sleep anyway lol) just wanted to say thank u so much for letting me be so honest with u today. it's been kind of a difficult thing, esp since a lot of my friends i'm not comfortable speaking to about it because of how bad i got bullied. i hope to think that we will eventually reach a time when we can all be ourselves without the fear of judgment. either way, thank u again and seeing u today was so fun :)

felix re read the message a couple of times, and he curled into a ball around chans hoodie. oh why was chan so sweet

felix lee  
i couldn't sleep either don't worry. i'm a late sleeper anyway . thank you for trusting me and being willing to be honest with me. i know it's a really personal thing, and i agree with you. you shouldn't feel bad for something you can't control. i will never judge you for anything 🥺 sleep well 🥰

chan bang  
thank you again. you too :)

felix smiled at his phone. it made him feel so good to know someone cared about him enough to not only open to him, but thank him. felix didn't feel like a nice person, no one in the past had ever commented on it before, and even if they did he never believed them. growing up with emotionally abusive parents didn't help. so especially coming from chan, one of the sweetest people he'd ever met, it felt very meaningful. nothing he thought of however, got the words he'd heard from the christians in his life out of his head. he didn't want chan to go to hell, he didn't want to go to hell himself. it had been described to him as terrifyingly painful from such a young age that although he wished he could just laugh it off and think it's not real, it was a thought that he would have to live with forever. he fell asleep eventually, despite these thoughts persisting. still not letting go of the hoodie.  
—  
a/n; i low-key don’t like this and the next chapter (which i’ll publish today aswell since it doesn’t deserve its own day since it’s kinda just a filler ,but necessary, chapter) , i promise things start to get more interesting after that LMAO. but once again thank u all for over 1000 hits! i’m so happy people are enjoying it. i’m currently watching minchans live so i could hardly concentrate while checking this for typos LMAO. last thing is that i’ve posted a little about me on wattpad incase anyone’s interested :) thank you again!!


	20. Chapter 20

almost a month had passed since felix went to chans house for dinner. it was now mid october, school had swung back into full action. not much else had changed though. being able to be away from his parents for longer hours of the day from school was definitely a blessing, and felix was trying his best to improve his mental health. church still persisted, making sunday by far the bleakest day of the week. chan had made other friends at church though, again through his parents, but they were 2 attractive blonde girls who seemed to always be around him before and after service. chan had mentioned to him to come over and speak too, so had vivi, but he refused to on the grounds that he's too socially awkward. in reality he hated seeing chan around other people, especially people who clearly liked him. the 2 girls seemed very full of themselves, always dressing up well and overall being very obnoxious. chan seemed polite though, and stayed talking to them. sometimes it was only one of the girls, the prettier of the two, who would hang around him, but nevertheless felix couldn't help but feel incredibly envious when he saw them. he wished he had the same confidence.

him and chan had continued their routine though, they texted often and felix went to chans house almost once a week, felix became more confident with being more outgoing around his friends, especially when he was with chan . their bond only grew, but so did felixs feelings. he tried to ignore them, but it just wasn't possible. everything about chan was so perfect. he made him feel appreciated and loved, and as for the occasional flirting felix was almost convinced chan was flirty with everyone and he was nothing different. his mind was still battling, the angel was telling him to let the feelings go, but the devil was telling him to make more moves towards hinting at how much he liked him. he knew chan liked him though, at least as a friend. he had invited him over almost every week to his house, where they chilled in his room, played video games, and chatted to eachother. chan never failed to listen to everything felix had to say, and always comfort him whenever felix would mention an insecurity. they were less talkative to each other when they were around other people, changbin even seemed shocked when chan told him that him and felix were pretty close. changbin said he wouldn't of expected them to be that compatible, and felix almost agreed. but it just felt right, they got a long so well.

it was Wednesday evening, he was getting ready for school the next day. he hadn't properly spoken to his parents in almost a week, he'd even started occasionally eating dinner at his desk. he enjoyed being alone. his dad was out often in the evenings, he had told them one dinner that he had started having evening work meetings, and won't be home until 10pm some days. felixs mum seemed a bit confused, almost upset, despite the fact he couldn't remember the last time they had been even remotely romantic together.

when he got to school the next day, he got the results of a chemistry homework assignment he had to do. 28/30, he was shocked. even the teacher told him well done, he couldn't believe he'd done so well. he couldn't help but feel proud of this, even hyunjin seemed pretty shocked. at lunch, chan came and sat next to felix who was already with hyunjin and changbin. "you're sitting with us today" felix remarked slightly sarcastically as it wasn't often chan sat with them. they were outside, on some benches as it was quite sunny that day. "yeah i thought i'd come and see you guys, and come outside for once" he got out his lunch, which was some egg fried rice. "that looks so good" felix could smell it. "want to try some?" chan giggled slightly and felix nodded. chan got some on his chopsticks and fed it to felix, who laughed slightly at this cute gesture. "wow this is really nice!" he said after he'd finished it. just then minho and jisung walked over. minho looked at felix and chan, and raised an eyebrow. "where were you two then?" hyunjin asked looking up at them. "minho decided it would be a good idea to try and cut through the PE exit to get here quicker, PE teacher caught us and now we both have a detention next monday" jisung seemed slightly frustrated, whereas minho was just laughing. 

"lighten up jisung the world isn't ending, plus at least you get to spend it with me" he smirked to which jisung just laughed at minho sarcastically, almost giving up on teasing him back. "anyway, why's chan here today?" minho raised an eyebrow. "i'm here because i can, got a problem with that?" chan said jokingly. "i have an issue with everything you do chan, haven't i made that clear for the past 10 years" minho said rolling his eyes smirking. "minho i thought you learnt not to try this kind of stuff with me, i still have those screenshots from your ONE DIRECTION STAN ACCOUNT" chan fake gasped. to which minho pretended to pass out. "you wouldn't chan..." he exclaimed. "oh i would, all the tweets simping over harr-" minho kicked chans shoe spitefully, they both laughed though. felix seemed confused as to how everyone seemed to know chan but just laughed along with them. 

"how is it so cold some days but days like this it's boiling hot, make it make sense australia" jisung said, putting one of the ice packs from his lunch box on his forehead. "that reminds me, i was wondering if you guys wanted to come to my house on friday for a sleepover or something. since it is my birthday after all" minho said. "like all of us?" changbin asked. "yeah, just you guys though. i don't think i'd be able to survive with more than 5 people at my house at once" he said. "sure then, i'm in. changbin said. "me too" hyunjin added. "chan, felix?" felix looked up, slightly surprised. he rarely got invited to things like this, he agreed of course . chan agreed too, right after felix. "and jisung is going to say yes anyway, i'll send you all a text privately with my address and stuff if you want" he packed up his bag, it was almost 2pm. "got it!" hyunjin said, and they all got up and went to their lessons.

felix got a lift with vivi again, she seemed in a much better mood. "felix youd never guess what" she said excitedly when he got in the car. "eunwoo asked you out?" he said somewhat sarcastically with a grin. "wow how did you guess..." she said, seemingly quite surprised. "don't you dare mention it to mum or dad though, if they ask, eunwoo is a girl and she's one of my friends okay?" she said. "got it, good for you though" he said, admittedly not that interested in his sisters affairs. "did anything nice happen for you today?" she said with a sweet voice. "uhm, i did good in my chem homework and i got invited to one of my friends birthday sleep over parties" he said casually. "a party?! wow felix you're very getting brave these days" she said. "it's not like that, i would never go if it's a PARTY party. it's just like 5 of my friends, no girls." he replied, making it clear. he hated the idea of teenage parties himself, he was too introverted for that anyway, along with his social anxiety which would probably be through the roof. "aww, i was getting excited for a second" she fake sighed. 

when they got home, felix went into the living room, where his mum was as usual. "afternoon felix" she said looking up from her phone. "hi mum" he said, dropping his bag down. "did you have a nice day at school?" she asked, to which felix seemed almost shocked. she never asked him how his day was. "it was good. i got 28/30 in that chemistry homework. also i came to ask if i could go to a friends house on fridayfor a sleepover? it's his birthday, only 5 other people will be there. hyunjin, changbin, jisung, chan and minho whos house it will be at" he said quickly. "i'll think about it. can i have this minhos parents phone number? i'll have to confirm there won't be any alcohol or silliness going on because in that case you will not be going. get me his mothers phone number and i will contact her" she said, and felix wasn't about to argue. he found it very perplexing how she didn't care about him whatsoever unless it came to things like this. he agreed though, and went upstairs to text minho. it was always embarrassing having to explain how his mum is strict and won't let him go unless she's sure it will be like a children's party. minho seemed to understand, and despite his sarcastic humour he was a very nice person which felix appreciated.


	21. Chapter 21

when friday came around, felix began to pack his bag after school. he was excited, but still slightly nervous. he usually would say no to this sort sort of thing but he was feeling like if he ever wanted to step out of his shell he would need to. he packed his bag, and went downstairs. "so mum am i allowed to go?" he asked, hoping she'd say yes considering he'd spent 20 minutes packing his bag. "i spoke with this boys mother and she seems very reasonable. i will allow you this time, however if i find out anything has gone on that i would not approve of, and you know exactly what those things would be, you will be grounded for a good couple of months" she said. "i understand mum. thank you!" he thanked her and left the room. he grabbed his bag, and went downstairs. minhos house was pretty close, so of course he was going to walk. he felt bad asking vivi for a lift all the time.

when he got to minhos house, he knocked on the door. although minhos house wasn't as big as chans, the moment he knocked on the door he was greeted by a very kind looking women. she smiled at him and brought him in. "you must be felix?" she smiled at him. "yeah i am!" he said, she immediately offered to take his bag. "the other boys are upstairs in the room to the left" she said, pointing up the stairs. he went up there straight away, and sure enough, minho, jisung, hyunjin and changbin were all there. minhos the only person who wasn't was chan. minhos room was quite big, it had a large TV with a sofa facing it, LED lights going along the ceiling and multiple band posters and vinyl records on the wall. "hey felix! we were just watching a movie before the came in, chan said he's going to be a little late but once he's here we might go to the skatepark or something if that's cool with you?" minho said, motioning for felix to come sit with them. "yeah that sounds good" felix smiled, and sat down next to hyunjin.

they chatted casually, laughing over the same girl who wouldn't stop messaging hyunjin. after about 10 minutes, chan arrived. when he came in minho smiled at him. "my boy channie, you finally came" he patted chan on the back. they all hung around for a bit, until they decided to make their way to the skatepark. "please let there not be any gangs there for once" hyunjin said as they walked on their way. "don't be so scared jinnie, you know i'd beat them up in a second" changbin said. hyunjin just laughed. "sure you would" he rolled his eyes.

when they got there, hyunjin immediately looked around. "there's people over there, look" hyunjin pointed. the park was relatively empty, aside from a group of 3 girls and 2 boys at the back sitting around a skate rack. "according to my friend our friend group looks intimidating anyway. minho got his skateboard out. felix sat down with his legs dangling over a ramp, and chan followed by sitting next to him. felix smiled at chan, it was almost like couldnt help it. whenever he was around felix, he felt his mood lift instantly. minho and jisung started skating around casually, minho showing jisung some of his tricks. "can you skate?" chan asked after a minute. "now that i think of it i haven't really tried" felix said. "i used to it a lot, i can show you if you want, it's really fun" chan said, getting up. he had brought one of minhos skateboards for himself. "ooh chan are you teaching felix how to do it?" changbin asked, walking over with a can of red bull in his hand. hyunjin was behind him, on his phone. "yeah, i mean we are at a skate park so why not" chan said, flipping his skateboard. minho and jisung were still in their own world, when felix looked over he saw the other group of people laughing at them. he didn't feel bad though, as he knew minho would have no issue cussing at them if he saw.

"come over here felix" chan got felix to come over from the ramps, over to an area just for riding. felix got on the board, and chan explained which foot in front, felix pushed off once, almost falling but chan caught him by the arms before he could. "oh god i'm already so shit at this" felix laughed. "don't worry, it takes practise to master the balance but once you so it'll be easy. look, you start them and try and get to me and then i'll grab you before you stop since that's where you lose your balance" chan said. felix pushed off again and managed to go quite far, but when attempting to stop chan grabbed his arms again which made felixs heart flutter slightly. they both laughed "it's quite fun once you get the hang of it" chan said. felix then got off, and gave it to chan. "could you take a quick video of me?" he asked, handing felix his phone.

the 6 of them hung out at the park until it was getting dark, they noticed the other group of people were still there. "i think they're smoking, they keep looking at us" hyunjin said nervously. "don't be scardy cat hyunjin" changbin sat, all of them were sitting , a couple on their phones. felix and chan were next to each other as usual, exchanging glances and sharing a bag of crisps while the others talked. felix looked closer the others were indeed smoking. "it's getting late, maybe we should go home" minho said abruptly, picking up his skateboard, and they all began to make their way home.

when they got back to minhos house, they just hung out for a couple of hours, even playing some mario kart, which chan won somehow. they ate some pizza aswell, now it was almost 12:00am. hyunjin pretended to fall asleep on one of the mattresses laid out. "cmon hyunjin how are you already tired" minho rolled his eyes. "let's play a game" he said after a moment. "whoever wins gets this $40". "explain the rules first, i don't think anyone here trusts that there won't be some catch" jisung said, sitting down on the floor next to minho. "truth or dare" minho said, everyone went silent for a second. "sounds good to me" hyunjin said. felix admittedly was a bit nervous, not too on edge though, possibly from the amount of energy drinks he'd had. "you all playing?" minho looked at them all. they all nodded and sat on the floor. "who's going first?" he then asked. "i will" jisung said. he immediately turned to minho. "truth or dare" he said with a smirk. "dare" minho replied. "i dare you to kiss the person here who you think is the most attractive" everyone laughed a bit. minho stopped for a minute, before turning around to face both hyunjin and jisung. he leaned in and kissed jisung very quickly on the lips, to which jisung laughed. minho looked embarrassed "you know, i was going to do someone else but then i thought, you asked for it" jisung was blushing a lot. 

"okay my turn, chan" he turned to chan smiled nervously. "truth or dare baby". "truth" chan replied. "have you ever had alcohol?". "yeah, i've been to a couple parties. fucking hated it though" chan laughed. "interesting, you seem like the person who would like parties" jisung said. "well you'd be wrong there" chan laughed. "okay my turn then" he turned to changbin. "truth or dare" he said. "truth". "what's your biggest fear?" chan asked. "probably...death" he replied. chan stopped for a moment before carrying on "well that's quite deep" he laughed. "oh and the dark...i can't sleep without a light. now who hasn't gone...felix!" he turned to felix. "truth or dare" "truth" felix replied. "you're all saying truth, god. uhm, have you ever had a crush on a best friend" he said. felix took a deep breath "well i guess so, so yes?"


	22. Chapter 22

"interesting..." changbin said. before felix gave a dare to hyunjin. he felt bad asking anything too invasive. they continued to play for a bit, until they ran out of things to ask. "shall we watch a movie before we sleep" hyunjin asked. minho agreed and they scrolled through netflix, deciding to watch birdbox. they all changed into pyjamas, then minho turned off the lights and they all sat down. the sofa had been extended into a wide double bed. jisung and minho were on sitting on a mattress on the floor, felix sitting on the sofa bed against the headboard and chan next to him. hyunjin and changbin were on the other sofa bed to the left of them. felix was tired already, it was already very late for felix. it was quite cold in this room too, since it was minhos basement. he grabbed the quilt from the bottom of the bed and pulled it up "are you cold?" chan whispered very quietly. "yeah, sorry" felix whispered back. "no don't worry, it is quite cold here" chan helped felix straighten it out, and they pulled it over the both of them, felix instantly feeling much warmer.

about 30 minutes had passed, the two were somehow slightly closer than when the film had started. the pillows at the back of the headboard were slowly falling down. and felixs head was laying quite uncomfortably but he didn't want to move it and get teased for already going to sleep. chan too seemed to be falling asleep almost too, felix thought it was cute. fifteen minutes later he saw jisung and minho were both down on the mattress, minho straight up asleep, jisung was alternating looking down at the boy and the tv. felix felt his eyes get heavy, he was hardly awake, but he noticed on the tv a scene where there was a lot of screaming, and people running away. it made him jump a little bit from being startled, he moved a little closer to chan. he didn't think chan would notice, but they were already quite close to eachother. he rested his head on the top of the pillow, and started falling asleep. the noise of the tv drowned out. 

he felt chan move and immediately woke up from being half asleep. felix opened his eyes and saw it was 2:30am if he was reading the clock correctly, chan was looking for the tv controller. everyone else was asleep from what he could see from the light of the tv. hyunjin on the floor in a very uncomfortable looking position, i guess he didn't feel the cold, changbin on an actual mattress covered in blankets. there were two single mattresses for jisung and minho but when he looked over they were both on the one mattress...cuddling. he wasn't shocked, a little envious though. chan grab the remote control and turned off the tv, putting it down. "did i wake you up? i'm really sorry" he said very quietly. "it's okay" felix whispered back. chan then turned to felix and gently moved his pillow down so it was laying properly on the bed. "you'll have a bad neck when you wake up if you leave it like that" he whispered and felix smiled, not that he could see it. chan carefully put down his own pillow next to felixs. felix hadn't even moved, he was still half asleep. chan then laid down, facing felix who had already closed his eyes. although the bed wasn't the most comfortable, the feeling of having someone else sleeping close to him was very comforting.

he was fast asleep, until he heard a noise. some kind of movement upstairs. he opened his eyes but it was still pitch black and everything went back to silent. he often got startled at night by weird noises, he sometimes had to go on his phone otherwise he couldn't fall back to sleep. he looked over at the electronic clock on the table, it was 4:45 am. chan was still right next to him though, facing away from him. he didn't realise how close they were, despite that he moved just a little closer, his face almost touching chans neck. the older didn't seem to move though, so chances were he didn't notice. felixs heart was beating from getting startled so quickly, but also from being so close to chan. he fell back to sleep quite quickly.

when he woke up, it was slightly lighter outside. he could feel the room was freezing, but he was completely cuddled up to chan who was laying on his back, and he didn't want to move. no one else seemed to be awake yet. felix had a tendency to always be the first one awake at sleep overs. chan had such a pretty face, he even had some tiny freckles like felix. felix closed his eyes again, until chan turned over facing him and he opened his eyes. "well good morning" chan giggled very quietly. "its so cold" felix whispered back, pulling the quilt further over him. "i know right" chan said, touching felixs hand which was also very cold. "how early is it?" felix whispered. chan leaned up and looked at the clock. "it's 7:30, so probably early for the others" he replied, laying back down. "i probably won't go back to sleep" felix looked around, neither seemed to mind that they were still snuggled up to eachother. "neither" he replied. "do you want to watch something with my headphones" he whispered, getting his phone. 

they both made an effort to be quiet as to not wake up the others. felix sat up and put the pillows up so they could sit more comfortably. "minho left the fucking window open that's why it's so arctic in here" chan looked over at the window. "i have no idea how to close it though and i don't want to wake up the others so i'll leave it for now" he plugged his earphones into his phone. chat sat down next to felix who moved closer to see the phone better, when in reality it was cold and he wanted to be as close to chan as he could, again, neither seemed to mind. chan even rested his arm on felix at one point while watching the video. minho and jisung still also sleeping right next to eachother, minho curled around jisung.

chan and felix kept making jokes to each other, and felix had to make a big effort to burst out laughing. after about 30 minutes, he saw hyunjin get up. "what the fuck i was on the floor the whole night?" he said getting up. "oh sorry i didn't realise the others were asleep" he said quietly. "he got up and crawled onto felix and chans bed. "let me cuddle too guys" he said getting under felixs quilt too. felix laughed and him and hyunjin hugged for a moment. "we are like penguins having to huddle because dumbass lee minho left the window open" felix joked, resting his head on hyunjins shoulder. "wait felix look look" he pointed to minho and jisung. "i saw, they were like that all night" felix rolled his eyes. "wow...so minho wasn't even joking with all those jokes" he said quietly. the 3 continued to talk quietly, but very quickly minho seemed to wake up. he looked up at the 3 of them and felix looked back. the look on his face was priceless. he quickly got up and jisung woke up too from minhos sudden movement.

"it's jisungs fault he made me me cuddle him" he said quickly, moving away. everyone just laughed, minho seemed embarrassed. "probably because it was so fucking cold because you didn't close the window last night" chan said. "oh sorry about that...you should of cuddled felix then you can keep eachother warm it's a win win. all the homies love cuddling" minho said, standing up, moving the empty monster cans. "i DID ank you very much, well more like he cuddled me" chan said looking at felix. hyunjin laughed. "don't blame me, i wasn't even awake to realise" felix felt slightly embarrassed but the whole situation was quite hysterical. hyunjin looked over at minho "oh and what did i cuddle? your basement floor". "it's like 8am do you guys mind..." jisung covered his face with the pillow. "also minho you were the one that climbed onto my bed-" minho then hit him with a pillow, jisung laughing. they continued to talk for awhile, changbin was still asleep, hyunjin still in felixs bed. if you had told felix 6 months ago this would be his friend group, he would of told you you were insane. things can change so quickly, but what mattered was felix was very happy right now.

a/n: i completely messed up the order of these chapters, and then this one didn’t post fully so sorry if you were confused. another thing i wanted to add about this chapter is that some basements do have windows, they are usually just thin ones at the top of the wall if that makes sense, since i know some people might be confused about that LMAO

also i was looking through the other fics under chanlix on here and they all have like under 10k words so i’m kinda like huh 😭 i’m guessing this ones gonna be like 40-50k words by the time it’s done so i hope you all have lots of time on your hands to read. also stream rosés solo when it’s out bc when i tell you i lost my shit when those teasers dropped GIRLLL


	23. Chapter 23

after joking around for awhile, laughing at how changbin had slept through it all until chan threw a pillow at him, they decided to get breakfast. they chilled for the rest of the morning, until it was almost midday. felix had agreed to be home before 12:30, so in the end they all decided to go home at that time. minho thanked them for coming, and they all went different ways apart from chan and felix who happened to have to go the same way. changbin would of but his sister picked him up. vivi offered too, but felix wanted to walk with chan. 

"that was really fun honestly" he said after they started making their way home. "yeah it was, i wouldn't usually go to big sleepovers and stuff but it was pretty chill" felix said. "jisung and minho though...i mean i'm not surprised but still" chan said laughing. "neither, they are quite cute though" replied felix. "wow jealous are you?" chan giggled. "why would i be jealous when i have chan to move my pillow so i don't have a bad neck when i wake up" he said smiling. "you looked so uncomfortable, but you were so cute when you cuddled me" chan laughed and felix got embarrassed. "you aren't complaining though are you" felix joked. "no i'm not at all, i hope YOU didn't mind me gatecrashing your bed. it was more comfortable than the sleeping bag i brought anyway" chan said. "don't worry, no but seriously you're so sweet" felix said after a moment, in less of a jokey way. "aww thank you lix, i really enjoy spending time with you too " chan looked over at felix and smiled. the moment became very sweet very quickly. 

felix took a deep breath. " i don't want to be cheesy or anything, but since we've started talking you've really helped me a lot even if you didn't realise and i just feel so happy around you, so thank you". "wow felix, i don't know what to say. that makes me really like...happy that i've been able to make you feel better. and like, i could say the same about you. you make me feel just really, safe? and like comforted? and just everything. it feels like i've known you forever even though it's only been 2 months or something" chan replied, he had a soft and genuine tone. "i feel the same" felix responded, feeling his heart beat fast. they were approaching felixs street. "i have to turn here now" felix said, not wanting to have to say goodbye to chan. "oh okay, well i'll see you tomorrow at church!" he said. "oh wait i have something for you" felix reached into his bag and pulled out chans hoodie that he had taken home ages ago. "oh wow thank you so much! i honestly forgot you had it" he laughed. he took it from felix. "well i'll see you later!". felix waved goodbye and went inside.

he couldn't help but feel such a happy feeling, the past day had been perfect. he realised how much he loved his friends. he didn't feel like he had to be a certain person to fit in, it was just chill. although admittedly his back was hurting slightly from sleeping on a sofa bed because well...it's a sofa bed, but he didn't care.

he went into the laundry room and dropped his clothes from the day before, then going into the living room. his mum was in there, she looked like she had been crying. "hi mum" he said. she looked up but didn't respond. "are you okay?" he may hate this mother but seeing her cry did make him feel a bit upset. "i...it's nothing felix. just my eye drops. i hope you had a good time with your friends" she said before looking on her phone again. "somethings wrong though, why can't you tell me?" he said persistently. "i appreciate your care but some things are my business only so please do not pester me about it" she said sharply. felix wasn't in the mood to argue today, also he thought deep down he didn't want to because he did care about his mother's feelings and he could tell that whatever had made her upset must be quite serious so he didn't want to cause her any more stress. he took his stuff and went upstairs. 

he knocked on vivis door. "come in my love" she said chirpily. when he went in she smiled at him. he climbed onto her bed and they hugged for a minute. "how was the sleepover?" she asked. "it was really fun actually" he said. "they do seem like nice people from what you've said. i'm glad you got a little break. last night was difficult" she said. "wait why? does it have to do with why mums upset?" he asked her. "yes and no, mum was upset because dad had to go up to brisbane for a work meeting so he had to stay over at a hotel, he didn't tell her beforehand and apparently she'd planned to go for dinner or something and then they yelled at each other for 2 hours straight before dad left. i have another theory but i'll tell you that another time if i get more evidence"she explained. felix just sat there, confused and feeling like their parents were hiding something from them. it wasn't normal that his mum would get upset, but he tried to tell himself that it didn't matter because she'd made him cry more times than he could remember, so she was only getting a taste of her own medicine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i completely forgot you can use chapter notes on ao3 LMAO but this ones kinda short+boring. i’ve had so much school work recently so i’m pretty behind in writing chapters, i’ll try and catch up and have a couple more ready for the next couple of days, we are getting to the interesting part 👀


	24. Chapter 24

after church on sunday, felix went over to chan who was standing with his family on his own for once. "hi felix" he smiled when he loo ked up and saw him. he motioned for them to walk a little away from his family so they could talk without being overheard. "it's such a nice day wow" felix looked around. "it really is, it's so pretty" chan replied. felix was tempted to say, "not as pretty as you" but he could tell right now at a church wasn't the best time. "are you doing anything else today?" chan asked, looking through his jacket pocket. felix was just wearing a hoodie, their parents didn't seem to be as strict about what they wore on sundays anymore. "no, probably just doing some extra maths work in the evening which i'm not excited about it" he sighed. "you said you were doing maths yesterday too" chan said confused. "yeah, i've gotten like super behind and now i'm just super stressed out" felix admittedly had let himself get pretty behind and the night before was up very late trying to finish an assignment. "maybe you should clear your head for a bit, do you maybe wanna go for a walk around the harbour? since it's such a nice day" chan offered. felix smiled. "i'd actually really like that, i'll go ask my parents now"

after agreeing to go, which felixs parents had no reason to say no to, him and chan began to make their way there straight from church. the sky was clear, it was relatively warm and felix was wearing jeans and a black long sleeved crop top which he'd hid under a jacket during church (which was now in his bag that had been given to vivi before they left). "honestly we are pretty lucky to live here, it's so nice" chan commented, they were nearing the harbour era, where there were still quite a few tourists. "the greenery is so pretty" felix added. "not as pretty as you though" chan said smiling. "stop it christopher" felix said jokingly and they both laughed.

"it feels like we've been hanging out so much lately" chan said after a moment. "yeah, it's crazy though like when i first moved i was convinced i wouldn't have any friends but everyone's just been so nice, it's made me feel so much better about everything" said felix. "even though i guess you could say i have a lot of friends, i feel quite distant from a lot of them. i've gone through some really...difficult times and having friends who would rather not speak to you when you're feeling depressed is really hurtful" felix felt horrible for chan. the idea of him being depressed and feeling like felix had in the past broke his heart. "i'm so sorry they did that, i've been through similar things. alone. it's difficult but you know, we are both still here" felix said positively. chan nodded. "i like how you think felix". 

they walked around the harbour for a bit, even getting lunch from a cute cafe just a couple of blocks away. felix was able to forget about school for a bit, just being able to enjoy the time with this boy who made him feel happier than he had ever been. there were quite a few tourists, it was still nice though. they talked and walked around for awhile, until eventually they decided to sit down on a bench. chan handed felix a necklace, it had a silver chain and a small purple gem in the middle. hardly noticeable, but it was a very delicate necklace non the less. "i bought this for you in the little shop we went in" he smiled. "i saw you looking at them and i was wondering why since i swear you don't wear necklaces, it's so pretty though! but you got it for me? why?" he was shocked at this small gift but it made him smile immensely. "because i thought it would look pretty on you, it's an amethyst. it's meant to help relieve worries, or at least that's what my mum says. she's really into crystals and that sort of stuff. never really bothered me, but maybe it can help you when you're stressed with school" he explained, smiling at felix.

after talking for a little bit longer, and taking some photos, the sun was lower in the sky, you could hear the seas steady current. "i like you a lot chan" felix said after a moment, clutching the necklace in his hand. he didn't even know what his intentions were with this himself. "i like you too felix, time really does go faster when you're truly enjoying life. but at the same time it's nice to get away from how stressful everyday life is" he replied.felix was slightly confused as to what he was going at, did he mean he liked felix in that way? or not?. felix was so tempted to ask him straight out if he liked him in a friend way. he instead just stayed silent. "do you mean you like me as a friend? a best friend? or like..." chan asked. felix avoided eye contact, not sure how to respond. "i guess...i mean what did you mean you like me as? because you said you like me too?" felix said quickly in a lighthearted way, trying to take away from the awkwardness of the situation. this was really happening...he wasn't dreaming. chan laughed. "i mean, i guess i meant it as in, i like you because you don't feel like other friends. your company feels like all i need, you've never once judged me and you make me just...really happy. i like you as someone who i want to be with all the time, i think that's how i would describe it"

felix sat for a minute looking out at the sea, and the passing tourists. why was he being so cryptic...

felix, not sure how to respond, sat there. "what did you mean though? do you like me...in a different way?” chan asked after a minute of silence. felix had never been so nervous in his life

“i guess maybe i do...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i debated uploading this chapter because i’m not completely happy with how i’ve laid out the story, i feel like it’s slightly too fast paced? this chapter especially. i’ve been very busy with school lately though, so i’d rather just get chapters posted so i won’t be redoing them for them (this one and the ones i have prewritten) but i hope you enjoy non the less. i hope you’re all doing well!


	25. Chapter 25

felix had let his guard down, he didn't know how to feel. in the moment all he could think about was that chan made him feel differently to everyone else, he made him truly happy. "sorry if i made this awkward" felix laughed to himself, this situation didn't even seem real. "don't worry about it felix, determining emotions isn't easy...i don't know i guess as i said, i just love being around you and i think you're one of the sweetest people i've ever met. i think you're quite pretty too" chan and felix looked at each other. felix felt a sense of relief that he hadn't just admitted his feelings to someone who didn't like him back. "do you mean you want to be more than friends?" felix asked. "i mean...i guess we will have to see how things turn out. but only if you would ever be comfortable with that of course" 

felix could feel his cheeks burning up, he had never felt so nervous in his life. "i don't want my parents to find out i'm gay" felix said very quietly, so there wasn't even a chance of the people walking by hearing. chan had probably figured out by now, there was no point making a big deal out of admitting it. "hey it's okay felix, you're safe. your parents won't find out" chan said reassuringly reaching out and holding felixs hand. the wind had picked up a bit. "i promise you i won't let anything bad happen to you, or me for that matter" he said again. felix held chans hand tighter. felix didn't want it to happen. he wouldn’t of ever expected it to happen. but here he was, with a boy who he'd met just a couple of months ago who he was head over heals in love with. felixs smile turned into a sigh. "i just want to be happy" felix said, his expression lowering slightly. "what do you mean?" chan replied. "i hate myself. i feel guilty about everything, i just want to be happy you know? and not have to worry about the repercussions of just...loving someone and wanting to be liked back" felix knew it was no use backtracking from what he had already said. chan probably knew already that felix liked him. 

"i understand how you feel. i struggled with it a lot too, i know my parents will probably never accept me for who i am but i've learnt to not care and i know that's difficult but one day, i promise you, you won't feel guilty for being who you are" he caressed felixs hand gently. "everything about me goes against what my parents and seemingly everyone want, but i guess i never asked for any of this” he avoided eye contact. "i'm so sorry, the world is an evil place" he replied. felix shuffled a bit closer, and they very discreetly shared a quick hug. "just promise me you'll never forget that you don't need to change anything about yourself...for anyone”. felix thanked chan, and the conversation regarding their feelings towards each other didn’t continue. 

felix was confused, it felt like they had just left it on a cliffhanger in real life. what was even going on anymore? he somewhat got the impression chan didn’t want to be with him. it seemed like he changed the subject before they could get onto actually confessing their feelings. he left it though, not wanting to be pushy or awkward. "shall we start heading back now? if you want to walk home while it's still light outside" said chan. felix nodded and they both got up, and made their way back to chans house. the walk home was awkward, they seemed like they were both trying to avoid taking about felixs accidental confession and chan somewhat going along with it. when they got to chans house, chan pulled felix to the side slightly and wrapped his arms around him. this was so sudden, but also was incredibly comforting to feel the warmth of someone embracing him. “i’ll see you tomorrow yeah?” he said. “yeah, come sit with us at lunch if you can” felix held onto his hands even after they stopped hugging. “i will” he replied, letting go of felixs hands “my mums car isn’t in the driveway so she’s probably not home anyway, but just to be safe”. 

felix then walked the way home, not even listening to music. just dwelling on the events of that day. it had all happened so fast, but was so confusing. it didn’t feel like there was closure to the conversation. when he got home he had dinner with his mum, dad and vivi. his mum seemed much happier, his dad still acting slightly strange. there was some kind of weird tension at the dinner table, he couldn’t tell what it was though. 

—

school was going by as usual the next day. he hadn’t seen any of his friends that morning due to their timetables being completely different. he went to grab his lunch from his locker, which happened to be surrounded by the popular kids. he always tried to avoid being around them if he could, but this time it seemed like there was no way. “excuse me” he said politely, to the one in the way of his locker. they just looked at him, and scowled slightly. when he opened the locker door, there was a note lying on his school bag. he was sure it wasn’t there when he went to put his bag away that morning. he grabbed it in his hand, along with his lunch, and left.

in the middle of the empty hallway, he opened the note

hey pretty boy

meet me after school at the bike rack. i hope you’re free today

-chan :)

felix smiled and clutched the note. he felt butterflies as he read the first line, he could tell chan probably wanted to talk to him. sort of sweet to give him a handwritten note though. when he went to lunch, chan was there as he promised the day before. they didn’t speak much just the two of them, instead just occasionally glancing to each other and smiling. 

after school, felix texted his mum to let her know he won’t be home straight away. he told her he was helping out at a club, otherwise she would probably question him for going to this friends house so often. he went to bike rack, and sure enough chan was there. 

“so you got the note i see” he said smirking. “yes chan, i got the note. apparently im a pretty boy too” felix couldn’t help but laugh slightly. “well i didn’t lie did i”  
—  
a/n; sorry for the late update today! i’m pretty behind on chapters so i might not upload one tomorrow just to get some more written out for if i’m busy. thank you all for the support on this story though, it’s one of my first fics and although i realise its defo not perfect,i’m still so happy there are people who are genuinely happy to read it and wait for each chapter to be released. i hope you’re all doing well!


	26. Chapter 26

felix could feel himself blushing slightly. "why did you ask if i'm free today?" he asked after a minute, they had already started going to chans house. "i missed you" he said laughing. felix couldn't tell if he was being serious or not, but he just took it. school wasn't very far from chans house, so they got there pretty quickly. when they got inside, chan looked in the living room and no one was there. "i guess they aren't home" he said, dropping his bag. they went upstairs, as felix told him about something that had happened in history. felix was very comfortable in chans house now, from going there so often. he knew chan had invited him for a reason though, he could tell.

when they sat down, chan turned on the tv. "was there anything you wanted to talk about? since like...you wouldn't usually invite me over on a monday" felix said after a minute. "i don't know, i guess so?" he replied calmly, both still looking at the tv screen. "what would that be?" felix said slightly nervous. "just the conversation we had yesterday, i was thinking about it" felix knew exactly what conversation he meant. "i like you felix" he said with no hesitation. felix stayed silent for a minute, knowing what he would reply with would change the dynamic of their relationship one way or another. "that's very...sudden" felix replied. "is it? sorry if it is...i don't want to be pushy" he said, a little more discomfort in his voice than before. "i like you too chan" felix took a deep breath.

"i could tell" he replied. felix laughed. it didn't seem like chan intended to make them laugh, but they both did. "was i really that obvious?" felix could feel his cheeks burning up. "no you really weren't, well i kinda sensed it, somehow. i'm good at that sort of stuff. "interesting" felix replied, not sure how to continue on the conversation. "i really didn't think you felt the same way" he said after a moment. "i didn't think i would either, and it felt quite sudden honestly but being around you just feels different to everyone else" chan said, turning to felix. "i just feel bad because i don't ever want you to feel uncomfortable around me and i feel bad for liking you and it happened so quickly and just-" felix was cut off by chan "it's okay felix. i know the guilt of these sorts of things with the environment that we both grew up in" felix just nodded to this. chan had a good way of understanding him. felix smiled, and chans hand slowly moved closer to felixs. "you really are the prettiest boy i've ever seen" chan smiled. felix blushed. "am i really?" he giggled. "yeah and i'm not lying when i say that". felix was rarely complimented in such a way, he couldn't help but feel embarrassed.

"i want to be with you, but we can't.." felix said after a moment. he didn't want to have to say this but he knew now they had both admitted they saw something in eachother that went deeper than just friendship, he didn't want to take any risks. he didn't want to hurt chans feelings either, that was the last thing he wanted to do.

"what do you mean felix?" chan sounded both confused but also ever so slightly upset. “it’s just...i think you’re amazing. but i can’t risk being kicked out if my parents find out...god i don’t even trust they won’t check my phone and read my messages” he said. “i will always respect your boundaries so we don’t have to go any further if you don’t want to” chan looked away from felix but said this in a reassuring way. felix felt a pang of guilt, he knew this wasn’t what he wanted. he knew chan didn’t want this either. “wait no i didn’t mean it like i don’t like you...i just” his mind was beyond conflicted. “hey felix, it will all be okay”

felix suddenly felt bad for intercepting at a moment that could of been so sweet. “do you want to play a bit of league and then we can talk about this later?” chan said after a moment of silence. “yeah that would be nice” felix was sitting almost uncomfortably close to chan, however as the game progress they both went back to their usual selves, laughing and joking around. felix found himself even more comfortable around him, this time. as they played however, feeling found himself falling closer onto the older. neither seemed to mind, and it was less awkward than it had been before. chan eventually put his arm around felix, and the two sat there cuddled up next to eachother. it was almost like this was the beginning of something special, more than any words they had said before  
—  
A/N: i haven’t updated in ages, and i haven’t completely finished this chapter but i feel like i should at least give some closure to my last chapter. long story short, i’ve been super busy with school, but in the time i have had free i’ve been writing and i had about 7 chapters pre written but after re reading i realised that it wasn’t cohesive at all, and i just didn’t like the direction it was going? so i scraped them, and i’m going to be re doing them slowly. i can’t guarantee when i’ll be updating, basically when i have motivation which i’ve slightly been lacking recently :,) again i really apologise to anyone who’s been waiting for an update, even if it’s just a couple of people i really appreciate anyone who’s shown support towards this book. it really made me happy and i love reading comments. sorry for making this so long, i’m terrible at conciseness LMAO. also completely unrelated but i’ve been playing a lot of genshin impact recently (it’s become my only personality trait) so if anyone else plays it and wants to be friends let me know!


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